Tuesday, November 8, 2011

9/14ths of the way through the season and 5/14ths left...

A whole lot to catch-up on...I am going to try to bring this blog back...

First and foremost, a long overdue congratulations to Pat (Fell Off My Dinosaur) and his wife Julia on the birth of their son, Ryan. Already a diehard Eagles fan, Ryan immediately recommended that his dad throw in the towel on this season and start trading for keepers...

A little dude this cute takes away the pain of being 0-9. Congrats Pat!

Second, a whole herd of 


Allegedly a costume, but she just looks like a hoe

"This is what I call a Target Rich environment..."

"Shit. Forgot deodorant. Just keep smiling..."

"A whole new woooorllllddddd"

yeah. that just happened. 

Straight from the luge to the field

"America! F*ck Yeah!"

And this weeks winner of the Cheerleader of the Week, Madelyn Abrahams. Madelyn, a 23 year old quantum mechanics major from Stanford, got her start cheerleading at the age of 7.

on being a female in a man's world:
"Being a strong-willed intelligent female, growing up in the Texas football atmosphere was hard, but I think it paid off in the end. I mean, high school was a joke and I got a full scholarship to college for basically working out. I skipped three grades, aced the SATs and ACTs and was inducted into Mensa at 16, but none of that even mattered to the entrance people at Stanford. It's weird that I am so smart though. My mom, she couldn't even spell Madeline. She swears she was being original and she qualifies it with 'Honey, it was the 70s' but seriously I think she got kicked by a mule or something. I was born in 1988 "

on her time with the Cowboys:
"Now that I am with the Cowboys, I make seven figures. Seriously. It should not come as a surprise. Have you see the gigantic phallic symbol that is the new stadium? Jerry Jones is ridiculous. One time he stopped to talk to us and I asked for his opinion on the European debt crisis and how that may affect the sports industry both in Europe and the United States given the recent in-flux of American investment into European football clubs , but he just smacked my ass and said 'Let the men handle the business, toots.' I don't think he knows where Europe is."

Awards and Comments

There are just too many awards to give out. People scored points. Other people didn't. There are a few things worth pointing out... 

Yarnold (Brady's Bunch as of print 11.8.2011) is on like his 17th team name, each worse than the previous.  By the end of the season, I expect a name so inane and irritating that I would rather pour battery acid in my eyes than read it all day Sunday. 

Prader is just getting repeatedly and viciously savaged by everyone in terms of Points Against. He has an incredible 300 more points against than yours truly, who completely non-coincidentally is in first place. 

Somehow McGibblets has established himself as a force to be reckoned with, while SackedBySuggs is a two horse show with Welker and Rodgers. 

Fell Off My Dinosaur is setting an amazing example for the rest of us, still making moves, still trying to win, despite his incredible record of 0-9. I have never seen anything like it...

Balls and Shaft has snuck up into a tie for 1st place with a crafty trade and some last minute heroics. Meanwhile, like his beloved Bills, Buffalo Renaissance has started to slip...will he regain his footing in time to make a playoff push? Not with Andre Johnson out....

Cunning Linguists. Enough said. 

Vinegar Strokes is getting comfy on top of the waiver list, though tomorrow may be that day that changes. You never know...


I would like to thank Buffalo Renaissance for taking me to the Bills game this weekend. I have to admit it was a pretty crazy time in the parking lots, and would have been a perfect day if they could have put down the Jets, but alas it was not to be. Thankfully the Ravens showed up and beat down the Steelers Sunday night, restoring joy to my life. 

Pat, Nate, Shust and Trav - You guys still owe me $$$. 

There is a Thursday game this week, so get your shit together early. Also, the trade deadline is next Friday.
Josh has recommended I remind everyone that only FOUR teams make the playoffs, so if you are not in the top 4, and you want to be there (who doesnt want to be me?) then you might want to consider making some moves. 

Also, reread the keeper rules just so no one drops a first rounder who is on IR, allowing someone else to wait for them to go to Free Agency and then grab them, taking advantage of an obvious loop hole in the rules and keeping that guy while only having to give up a 10th round pick. 

Example A: Jamaal Charles. 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

A little thin on Substance

Is this a metaphor for Fell of my Dinosaur's season, or just a funny-ass video?

The Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Male Performance award goes to SackedBySuggs. Note that the name has been changed back due to the bad juju that it put on Buffalo Renaissance. 

Speaking of Buffalo, I will be making the arduous trip north to see Buffalo play the Jets in Buffalo with none other than Buffalo Renaissance. These are the types of things you all should be doing for your commissioner...but maybe for the team I like.

Well I am going climbing today, so don't expect any last minute commissioner overrides on stupid moves or forgotten roster changes. I am setting my lineup and forgetting about it today. Ravens aren't playing anyway.

Please pay your dues if you have not as well. Josh - I expected you to walk down from the altar mid-service and hand me fifty dollars. Whats up with that?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Week 3 - The 7 Tiers of Luck

So yeah, you would not believe the amount of flak I take on this blog...particularly since no one really even reads it besides Josh and Paul. But I finally caved under the constant barrage of complaints....

Turtle Blood Award - Week 2 => McGibblets making a strong comeback after a rough week 1
Turtle Blood Award - Week 3 => Buffalo Renaissance has put up such an astounding performance that from this week forward the Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Male Performance Award shall be renamed as the Bear Grylls Buffalo Blood Male Performance award, because Bear Grylls is the only thing Buffalo would have trouble stealing victory from in the 4th quarter. Congrats Paul!

Speaking of congrats, Bring it on just returned from his honeymoon to discover his entire team is on the IR. Ouch.

Speaking of honeymoons, Balls and Shaft is getting married this weekend! It is my personal goal to ruin his wedding day by humiliating him on the fantasy football field....

Who is that hot chick with Ryan from The Office?

On to the football...


What is luck? The Webster's Definition is "a force that brings good fortune or adversity." In fantasy football, as in life, sometimes you need luck to win, and sometimes luck is the only thing that keeps you from winning. Every game has some semblance of luck, and this week it is my goal to place every team within the SEVEN TIERS OF LUCK, as defined by me. The scale runs from negative from positive in a continuous manner...

Tier 1 - Corey Feldman Fail Level (http://www.coreyfeldman.net/)
Named after a man who had it all but has slipped to new lows, The Corey Feldman Failure level of luck is reserved for those who just....can't....win. 

Only one team falls into this category, and that is Fell off my dinosaur. Some might argue that the performance Dinosaur was actually the result of a terrible draft and some poor waiver moves, but I think its just luck. 

Tier 2 - George W. Bush Lose/Lose Level 
Poor Dubya. The man did his best. He was out there, involved, trying hard to formulate sentences, rule the country, kill terrorists, and seem cool. That is a lot of responsibility. He put forth the effort, but no matter what, shit fell apart around him. But did he quit? NO. Why not? Cause he is George W. Fuckin Bush.

Two teams fall into this group. Bring it on, whose team has been viciously and repeatedly raped by knee injuries is a definite, and keeping him company is Vinegar Strokes, a team with a lot of heart, but who cannot seem to get a win. In week 3 he put a respectable 147, but was trounced by Buffalo Blood. 

Tier 3 - The Treasurer Level

No one wants to be the treasurer. President? Hell yes. VP? Sure why not? Treasurer? No thanks. Sure you are important, but no one cares and that just makes it more important for you to let people know you are important...

This category is solely occupied by McGibblets who was so embarassed by his week 1 performance that he came out like a crazy person in week 2, only to fall dramatically back to reality in week 3, despite screaming "look at me! look at me! i had 191 points last week!" over and over again. 

Tier 4 - The semi-smart, kinda popular, sort-of athletic guy you saw at the coffee shop that you think was in your high school but you aren't sure level

You know this guy. Well you knew him. Well you saw him. He was definitely there, cause he is in your yearbook. Did he he do much? Nope. Never really dated any popular girls, went to parties, but didn't go crazy. Played sports, but wasn't a star. Got good grades, but not valedictorian. Essentially, he just existed, under a luck-proof umbrella. He is in the 4th row, on the left side, next to a girl who took Latin all four years of high school. 

This category is populated by Cunning Linguists and Balls and Shaft. Both were definitely all-stars when they were in high school, but in this league, they sit in the middle of the class, I think....

Tier 5 - The "Chuck" Level
Chuck was a lowly member of the Nerd Herd at the local BuyMore electronics store. Then one day he was given the gift of super spy knowledge, and before he knew what happened he was fake-dating a super hot CIA agent and traveling the globe fighting evil. Sadly, he never really got the super hot CIA agent into bed, and no matter how hard he tried, he was still just a nerd...

Le Toux is a FF Chuck.  Am I super lucky? Yes. I put an astounding two goose eggs on the board, won my game, and still outscored two other teams. That is fucking amazing. Will I remain that lucky? Will I land the CIA Agent seen above? 

No. I am still just a nerd. And I love my super hot doctor wife anyways....

Also in this group is SackedBySuggs.  Alternative group name options include "Yeah we wear purple. What of it?" "The Maryland State Flag is Beautiful!" and "Fuck the Steelers"

Tier 6 - The Tom "I am a douchebag and you are still wicked jealous of me" Brady Level
What a fucking assbag. I just hate Tom Brady. So let's all take a moment to remember this fine day...

In this group is You Will Lose. He is forever man-bonded to Tom Brady. Yeah, in that way. Sick bastard. 

Tier 7 - Justin Timberlake Tier
He can sing like an angel. His dancing makes women rip their panties off. He is filthy rich. He is in movies...

And this....

Thats right. Buffalo Renaissance, that sneaky son-of-a-bitch, is grabbing the metaphorical breasts of this fantasy league and squeezing them on national television, smiling while the league just looks on like we have no say in the matter....luckiest bastard alive.


I promised a twin pack of COWS this week, but the jury is still out on the winners...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Week 2 - Injuries and a Shitty Waiver System

Anyone who is going to be at Balls and Shaft's wedding next weekend, please bring your dues. Work guys, you can bring the money to work if you want.

At the end of week 2, one man stands alone at the top of the pile. Cunning Linguists, by some feat of luck or magic, is the only team at 2-0. I would love to say that is was because he was the team that had the least amount of points scored against, but that distinction belongs to Vinegar Strokes with a mere 223 points scored against, combined with an even more mere 221 points scored. Even more shockingly, Fell of my Dinosaur has a shockingly low point total at 203. You have to try to not score 100 points a week.

It was a rough week for real players as well, with Michael Vick and Mario Manningham getting concussed, Jamaal Charles and Domenick Hixon tearing ligaments, Tony Romo breaking a rib and using the chunk to puncture his lung, Cam Newton is wearing a boot, Antonio Gates is missing practice with a severed foot, and the entire Detroit Lions team has a sore shoulder.

The fantasy team that took the biggest hit is Bring it On, who lost his first round draft pick. Le Toux Legit 2 Quit dropped Peyton Manning (undisclosed neck injury) to pick up Rex Grossman to back up Romo. It was not a banner week.

I do not have time for recaps, but I just want to touch on how really, really, really, ridiculously lucky McGibblets was last week. I mean, shit.

I sent out an email about waivers because there was a little confusion last week. Every free agent locks at kickoff on Sunday, so if you need to get someone make sure you get them before kickoff. More info below.



Next week - Double COWs and maybe a little effort

PALIN 2012!

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Congrats to Bring It On who tied the knot yesterday with his lovely Irish lady Louise. Those who know John know how happy Louise makes him and how much better he has been at fantasy since he met her....hmmm. Have fun in the Dominican!
Here they are with the Princeton marching band who decided to randomly show up at the wedding.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Week 1 - In the bag....

One time I was at a bar with George Lucas discussing life, politics, women, and gardening when the subject of sequel quality came up. I contended that he waited too long to finish the Star Wars saga and really didn't bring much to the table with the new movies. Fans were clamoring for more and he should have struck when the iron was hot. George did not take to well to this, stating that he made Natalie Portman a star, he is richer than God and can do whatever the fuck he wants. He said "The longer I waited, the more ridiculous shit I knew I could brainwash people into paying to see."

Exhibit A: 

Then he swished his beautiful hair back, punched me in the face, had his way with my woman, and walked out.

And so with that I mind I decided to really make you guys wait this one out, knowing that only anticipation can overcome the lack of quality that is sure to be painfully obvious throughout this post. 

Week 1 is behind us and what a week it was. Some close, hard fought games and some totally ridiculous blowouts, both in fantasy and in real football. Lets all take a quick moment of silence for Hines Ward, who is still unconscious from this hit:

Fucking asshole. 

This weeks "I got knocked da FUCK OUT" Award, a new concept inspired by this hit, is awarded to none other than MCGIBBLETS, who has a terrible team and is not afraid to show it. Good effort...

I would like to take another second to honor the recipient of the first Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Award - SackedBySuggs. A Thursday-to-Monday sandwich of points with Aaron Rodgers and Wes Welker as the bread. McGibblets never stood a chance.

Sidebar: Look at the awesome things that come up when you Google (TM) image search "McGibblets" (Safe search off of course)

I love the internet. Don't let the Haters get you down, Panda.


Report Card Summary: (ranking based on pts in week 1)
Mr McGibblets - C+ (10/10)
Yarnold Stupid Team Name - B (2/10)
Le Toux Legit 2 Quit - A- (4/10)
Bring It On - B (tie 5/10)
Fell off My Dinosaur - C- (9/10)
Cunning Linguists - B (tie 5/10)
Balls & Shaft - A- (7/10)
Buffalo Renaissance - A  (3/10)
SackedBySuggs - B- (1/10)
Vinegar Strokes - B- (8/10)

All in all, I think this clearly shows that except for really blasting Dinosaur and McGibblets and predicting Buffalo Renaissance had some nuts, I have no idea what I am talking about. 

Also I need to apologize and eat shit on calling out Vinegar Strokes for taking Benson in the 6th. I was wrong on that one. 

Leonard Hankerson was a healthy scratch this week, but I think he is definitely going to break out next week. 

Game Recaps:

Le Toux Legit 2 Quit vs. You Will Lose

With the assumption that any loss will force "You Will Lose" to change his no longer appropriate team name, I was really pulling for myself to win. Sadly it was not to be, Matt's QB in tight pants, Tom Brady bailed his ass out with a totally unsportsmanlike and uncalled for beatdown of division rival Miami. Matt, when asked if he thought Brady could put up 31 points, laughed audibly and began the name-change process for his team. And yet here we are. I like to see that type of defeatism in my competitors already, but it would have been nice to eek out the win.

SackedBySuggs vs. McGibblets

Enough Said. 

Vinegar Strokes vs. Fell off My Dinosaur

A hard fought, low-scoring affair of angry redheads, this matchup has a couple factoids worth noting:

5th overall pick Rashard Mendenhall had 3 points. Other players who had 3 points include Tampa Bay WR Dezmon Briscoe, and Dallas WR Kevin Ogletree, both free agents if you need someone of Mendenhall's caliber. 

10th round super Defense Pittsburgh had -3 points. 

Vinegar Strokes pulled out the win, but will need to step it up next week to keep the streak alive. 

Balls and Shaft vs. Cunning Linguists

The closest matchup of the weekend, this one came down to the wire. If it wasn't for stupid Nate Kaeding I think the Shaft would have won out over the the Linguists in the battle of the strangely sexual names. A rough start for championship hopeful B&S, and something strong to build off of for upstart Linguists. Shaft made some big changes on the waiver, and will be hoping for a stiffer performance next week, after a somewhat limp showing.

Buffalo Renaissance vs. Bring It On! 

Team 3-Johnsons came out strong and showed why they received the highest overall draft grade with a comfortable dismantling of Bring It On. Owner Paul Miller was said to be quite nervous and angry at Sean Payton, Drew Brees and Mark Ingram for their poor play calling and execution at the end of the Thursday night game, where Ingram got stuffed at the line by a resolute GB defense. Luckily for Buffalo R, the rest of the squad picked up the slack. 

and finally the... 

Cheerleader of the Week!

Brittnay (pronounced Britt-NAY)  Robertson, 26, of Gainesville, Fla, is "super-proud" to represent the storied and noble Jacksonville Jaguar franchise. Brittnay, a 2008 graduate in International Studies from UF reflects on her path to cheering...
 "I've spent approximately 3 years trying to find a job in the cesspool that is Florida, and in the end, all I had to do was pretend to like the Jaguars, wear skanky clothing and jump around with a smile on face. They give us full benefits plus a 401k. I mean, shit, right?"
Brittnay is seen above, pretending to be happy that she is forced to cheer for Luke McCown, when, even to her, a complete football novice, it is clear that he is a piece of crap. Later that night, it was rumored that McCown selected her from the field as the girl he would take home (his right as starting QB, according to popular media), but was rejected by Brittnay who was quoted as saying...

"I don't sleep with janitors."

Until next week, send me your dues, Shust, update your fucking team, and everyone say your prayers that the Steelers continue their winning ways.....

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Draft Grades

Please send me your league dues of $50 to 6256  Charles St, Philadelphia, PA 19135.

In the aftermath of the draft last night, I would like give out Draft Grades as well as the presentation of the Al Davis Award. Draft Grades are based on an assessment of your team at QB, RB and WR and include a team slogan, best and worst picks, and a letter grade. These are the opinion of a completely impartial third party and do not necessarily represent the views of this blog. Note that there is grade inflation. The impartial third party doesn't want anyone to feel like a loser.

Report Card Summary:
Mr McGibblets - C+
Yarnold Stupid Team Name - B
Le Toux Legit 2 Quit - A-
Bring It On - B
Fell off My Dinosaur - C-
Cunning Linguists - B
Balls & Shaft - A-
Buffalo Renaissance - A
SackedBySuggs - B-
Vinegar Strokes - B-

In depth grades:

Mr McGibblets - "Rankings Slave"

QB - Terrible starting QB fantasy-wise, but solid upside in Kolb
RB - Strong RB core, but no depth
WR - VJax a good #1, but Bryant in the 4th round...hmmm

Best Pick - Kolb - 11th round
Worst Pick - Steve Slaton as the absolute last pick of the Draft

Grade - C+

Yarnolds F'ing Team - "League Winner....in 2007"

QB - Brady/Cutler combo is solid, but disgustingly self-absorbed
RB - AP aside, there are  a lot of RBs who are currently #1 on the depth charts, but may not be for long
WR - Two guys in pass-happy offenses (good) with tons of other options (not good)

Best Pick - Peterson at 2 is a steal - Thanks Shust
Worst Pick - Ryan Grant in the 6th Round

Overall Grade - B

Le Toux Legit 2 Quit - "The stars aligned..."

QB - Manning/Romo may be the most despicable yet best QB tandem in this league
RB - Injury and Platoon concerns abound, but Ray Rice is a PPR monster
WR - Powerful starting 3, with a lot of rookie/upside depth

Best Pick - Romo - 8th tied with Greene - 9th
Worst Pick - Hankerson in the 15th

Overall Grade - A-

Bring It On! - " BIG PLAY!"

QB - What kind of insider info did John have taking Matty Ice over Manning and Romo? Bradford=Upside
RB - Solid starters but some platoon concerns on the backups
WR - Big play guys abound

Best - McFadden in the 2nd round - It'll happen Pat
Worst - none

Overall Grade - B

Fell off My Dinosaur - "Seeing the World Through Different Eyes"

QB - Solid starter with a rock solid backup; Maybe went too early on Rivers
RB - Literally no PPR upside on this team at all; LT at 15 could always be a huge steal
WR - Solid big play guys, but not much depth

Best Pick - LT in 15th
Worst Pick - Luckily Pat doesnt read the blog - Mendenhall 5th overall

Grade - C-

Cunning Linguists - "High Risk, High Reward"

QB - Two huge upside QBs, made out of glass and Popsicle sticks
RB - Risky first pick in CJ2K with McCoy on the board, but he was gunning for Vick all along
WR - Somewhat weak WR corp after the top two guys

Best Pick - Hillis in the 4th
Worst Pick - GB in the 9th

Overall Grade - B

Balls & Shaft - "QBs are Over-rated Bitches"

QB - I admire the commitment to focus on the skill guys; Like picking your poison every week
RB - Best starting RBs in the whole league hands down
WR - White is a solid pick in the 2nd; backed up by a few tough week to week calls with the WR corp

Best - Steven Jackson in the 4th round
Worst - Not much to complain about, but Zach Miller in the 16th

Overall Grade - A-

Buffalo Renaissance - "You Sneaky Bastard..."

QB - Brees should be a solid starter every week but the Bye
RB - A lot riding on 1st/2nd year guys, but HUGE upside
WR - Fucking A

Best Pick - Julio Jones in the 8th
Worst Pick - Hernandez in the 13th - TE Platoon?

Overall Grade - A

SackedBySuggs - "The Wildcard"

QB - Aaron Rodgers is a stud and I am wacko for Flacco
RB - No PPR pass catcher types except Bush, but solid rushers
WR - Solid top 3 but not a lot of depth

Best - Law Firm in the 8th round
Worst - Kellen Winslow at any position - What a piece of shit.

Overall Grade - B-

Vinegar Strokes - "Making Lemonade out of a Shitty Pick"

QB - Two solid performers with almost no injury risk
RB - Dodgy knees and dodgy offenses could hamper this group
WR - Solid value in Rice and Burress and Fitz is Fitz

Best - Burress in 12th
Worst - TO at all

Grade B-

and finally the presentation of the Al Davis award...but first, a few honorable mentions...

McGibblets - Steve Slaton in the 16th
Le Toux - Leonard Hankerson in the 15th
Linguists - GB in the 9th
Vinegar - Benson in the top of the 6th
Dinosaur - Mendenhall 5th overall

and your winner is....

VINEGAR STROKES! Chad Ochocinco went at least two rounds early...

"Thanks Vinegar Strokes, for giving me another shot"

Travis - You reserve to right to rub my face in this as much as you want if I am proven wrong. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


And the first pick of the Draft is...

He's  back!!! 

Not really though. But I am going to attempt a live draft blog to preserve memories. 

And goodnight. 

PS - Now Prader and Yarnold are watching ABC Family. It changed to a Dolly Parton Movie. STEEL MAGNOLIAS!

9:41 - And its all over. Draft Grades will come out in the next couple days. Remember, watch out for Thursday games. Thanks for at least showing up. 

9:35 - Prader and Yarnold are watching Sex in the City. Seriously. 

9:33 - The blog has grinded to a halt. I was looking up the most random 15th rounder i could find. Leonard Hankerson it is....

9:13 - Kellen Winslow, my least favorite non-Steelers NFL player, is gone...tear. 

8:59 - its a tight race for the al davis award between the linguists for a Def in the 8th, me for a TE in the 4th, or Shust for taking watermelon head rapelisberger at all...

8:49 - "Who took Beanie Wells? His is a piece of crap." - me

8:39 - The internet cuts out and everyone simultaneously panics for 6 seconds until it came back. 

8:35 - After the Roethlisberger pick..

Pat - The fat garden gnome
Travis - I hate his face. 
Me -Barf

8:29 - Who is SackedBySuggs again? - Pat (for the 8th time)

8:23 - Gates in the 4th - I am the frontrunner for the Davis award. 

8:15 - The Draft

8:12 - While some are shocked that Brees still remains on the board, Pat explains that it is because he is 4.5 feet tall

8:08 - Matt shows his true colors with his Brady man-crush

8:06 - Nate takes the plunge. Boom or bust....

8:01 - First QB off the board is not Vick. A sign of league intelligence?

8:01 - The linguists takes CJ2K despite the holdout and Balls goes homer...

8:00 - A CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS! and we are off....The first three picks are EARTH SHATTERING!!

7:57 - John Shust - "I am ready to FUCK SHIT UP" 

7:55 - Le Toux Legit 2 Quit - A reference to the Other football, like with your feet. For that reason, and the fact that Sebastien Le Toux is French, make my team name wildly inappropriate, and therefore ironic. 

Football Relevance -  -5/10
Cleverness - 11/10
Badassness - 2/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 7/10

7:51 - Fell of my Dinosaur - "Last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell of my dinosaur" - Step Brothers. Another fantastic pop culture reference, though thankfully Pat was here to remind me. 

Football Relevance - 2/10
Cleverness - 8/10
Badassness - 9/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 8/10

7:49 - SackedBySuggs - Another homer pick name from the Charm City. Likely to happen quite often this season, hoopefully to Ben Rapelisberger most often...

Football Relevance - 10/10
Cleverness - 10/10
Badassness - 10/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 10/10 -RAVENS!!!!!!

7:47 - Update to Balls & Shaft - From Josh

7:43 - Yarnold's F'ing Team - Maybe Yahoo would not let Matt us the actual word Fuck. I don't know. This name is a direct response to me calling him a woman for leaving his name Team Yarnold. 

Football Relevance - 1/10
Cleverness - 1/10
Badassness - 1/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 1/10


7:40 - Balls & Shaft - I am not really sure what Josh is going for with his name except to make us all think of penises? Or is it penii?

Football Relevance - 2/10
Cleverness - 8/10
Badassness - 9/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 3/10 - unless you like penises

7:37 - Buffalo Renaissance - A homer-pick name for a man unlucky enough to be raised in the Buffalo Bills market. Go Fred Jackson!!!

Football Relevance - 10/10
Cleverness - 6/10
Badassness - 6/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 7/10

7:32 - Bring It On! - An excellent Family Guy reference with an unfortunate tie to a particular Kirsten Dunst movie. 

Football Relevance - 5/10
Cleverness - 8/10
Badassness - 3/10 (due to unfortunate kirsten dunst similarity)
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 7/10

7:27 - Mr. McGibblets - Another reference from The League, though not as disgusting in nature. Mr McGibblets is this guy:

Football Relevance - 8/10
Cleverness - 8/10
Badassness - 6/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 8/10

7:24 - Vinegar Strokes - An excellent pop culture reference stemming from The League. Vinegar strokes are the last few motions of the sexual act before a man orgasms where he cares less what could happen around/to him. 

Football Relevance - 8/10
Cleverness - 8/10
Badassness - 9/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 10/10

Excellent work Travis

7:19 - Cunning Linguists - A clever play on words which immediately incites mental pictures that are NSFW. Luckily the mean age for this league is probably 29, and therefore at least 6 of us get the joke. 

Football Relevance - 0/10
Cleverness - 9/10
Badassness - 8/10
Overall Aesthetic Appeal - 9/10

Pizza is here. 

7:13pm - Pat and Travis are playing squash, but should be here any minute. Yarnold is MIA with the pizza. In the meantime I will be adding a team by team name review. 

7:06pm - Shust is safe and sound in NJ, along with Josh. Paul is ready to go in NY, and Prader, Dubbs and I are at TheNutHouse doing some last minute prep. In some cases, this is first minute prep...Direct quote from Shust - "Am I first?"

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Keeper Settings

Only 4 days until the Draft...which means that now is the perfect time to announce the...

Al Davis Draft All-Star Epic Fail Award

This prestigious honor is bestowed upon the team with the pick the commissioner deems most ridiculous. It could be an 8th round kicker, a backup backup defense, or Tim Tebow. Who knows?  It could be you...

I truly hope that the Draft is so epic and competitive that this award has to be given out posthumously to the owner who wastes a 1st round pick on a QB who gets Tom Brady-ed in Week 1.

On a more official note, I have put some time and some research into typical keeper settings and have formulated a plan that will be up for open debate from now until the Draft.

KEEPER RULES (Read this shit)

1. Each owner has the option of keeping up to three players, but must keep at least two players. 

2. Only two players at a given position may be kept by an owner. 

3. Only one of the three kept players can come from rounds 1,2 or 3 of the previous year.

4. The owner sacrifices the draft pick of the kept player in the following years draft

5. If the kept player is taken from free agency then the owner sacrifices their 10th round pick. 

6. If two kept players are taken from free agency, then the owner sacrifices the 10th and 11th round picks and so on. 

7. If a kept player comes from free agency and the 10th round pick is also kept, then the 11th round pick is sacrificed, and so on. 

8. If a kept player comes from waivers, then the owner sacrifices the pick in the round in which the player was drafted. 

9. A player may be kept by a single owner for a maximum of three seasons (the original drafted season, and two "kept" seasons).

10. Up to the three year limit under a single owner, the owner sacrifices the pick corresponding to the players original drafted round.

11. If a player is traded before the three year limit, the original pick sacrifice is traded with him.

12. If a player is traded at the end of the three year limit, then the new owner sacrifices the pick corresponding to the players preseason ranking for a standard PPR scoring format according to Yahoo! Sports. 

13. No trades for draft picks are allowed. 

14. Keeper selections are due 5 days prior to next years draft. 

15. After the initial four day evaluation window, these rules can only be changed with a majority vote of the league (6+ votes)

So please review these rules and post your opinions in the comments section. We can discuss and finalize prior to the draft. I am more than open to suggestions. Another thing to consider is that we, as a league, can decide to move to a vote veto system for regular league trades. I believe the league is set to default to commissioner veto. If everyone agrees to be responsible and actually vote for trades, then I am happy to switch it and take the pressure off of myself. 

See you on Wednesday, or at least see your cute little avatar on the web during the Draft. Would be nice to get to the money before the draft or at the draft. We are NOT doing the everyone send the winner the money, because it is a nightmare for the winner. My address is officially 6256 Charles St, Philadelphia, PA 19135

Here is to a long season of ridiculous James Harrison comments, alternating Michael Vick kills dogs/Michael Vick is the savior of Philadelphia discussions, Pat and Josh having wildly different valuation systems for trades, Ben Roethlisberger getting accused of rape, Shust getting too "busy" with "work" to update his team and them getting physically beaten as a result, and me winning. 

And Cheerleaders. 

Steelers suck and James Harrison is a douchebag.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Gabrielson. A Man's Man.

If you look at the picture below and think "who is this weird dude in a straw hat smoking a cigar while being filmed with night vision?" don't worry, all will be explained...

For those who recognize one Dan Gabrielson, I have exciting news. Late at night here at the office in bowels of Alumni Engineering at Drexel University, I have found my copy of both of the original Drexel Crew films. I will be working to post/distribute to anyone and everyone who wants a copy.

Non-rowers, if you are into poorly filmed camcorder movies with a lot of homo-erotic dance sequences, cross-dressing, overuse of nightvision, action footage of a sport that is not particularly fun to watch, ugly chicks, and my nude ass, then you are in for a treat...

Monday, August 15, 2011

Another one bites the dust...

A big congratulations goes out to Cunning Linguists (Nate) who managed to convince a lovely young lady to marry him despite his hairy back, his unnatural love of Christmas and his perpetual, toxic farts. He dropped the bomb on her Friday night at the Art Museum...Philly through and through. That reduces the number of competitors in this league who are not engaged or married to ONE.

Here are the two lovebirds at their finest...

In other news, we are a mere nine days away from the draft. I am slowly shifting my schedule from 40% work, 30% reading stuff on the internet, 15% eating, 15% staring off into space to a more reasonable 60% reading about fantasy sports specifically, 20% eating, 15% staring off into space, 5% working. This is standard for fantasy football season. I hope you are all doing the same.

There was some confusion about the draft setup. I will attempt to clarify, but the confused person shall remain anonymous because they are stupid and I do not want to embarrass them any more than necessary. We will be doing an ONLINE draft, but those of us who live in Philadelphia will congregate at a single location and bring laptops or other similar computing devices. We connect to the interweb and draft online while yelling insults at each other. It will be fun.

I think we are settled on Nate's place for the draft. He promised to force his lady to make us food etc. Probably end up buying food though because Kim is the one who really knows about Fantasy Football, and will be too busy telling Nate who to draft to make some damn nachos...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

First update - 14 days until the draft

So this is where the craziness will be documented. Yahoo won't let me do a big write up and goddammit I want to, so here is where it will be. I will be developing some weekly and season-long awards which will be handed out here in the most ceremonious fashion possible. For those who have been in my leagues before, you know what I am talking about. For those who are new, I will give you a taste of things to come.

Flawless. Victory.

So one such award I will be bringing back is the Bear Grylls Male Performance Turtle Blood Award, which will be bestowed upon the highest scorer of the week. The award was originally developed for a co-ed league, but since our league is 9 men and John Shust, we will just default to only one award.

If you have any ideas for awards or would like to suggest anything else for the league send me an email or comment on the blog.

Important League Reminders:

Dues - $50 before the Draft
Draft - August 24th at 8pm
Team names cannot suck
Throw a picture up there for your team, not a creepy avatar or boring helmet

I am considering some side competitions like The UCFAC Beard Growing Competition (Travis wins 1st by default) but prizes are awarded for 2nd place.

KEEPER Rules - Not developed yet, but will be posted on here as soon as I post them.