Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Week 1 - In the bag....

One time I was at a bar with George Lucas discussing life, politics, women, and gardening when the subject of sequel quality came up. I contended that he waited too long to finish the Star Wars saga and really didn't bring much to the table with the new movies. Fans were clamoring for more and he should have struck when the iron was hot. George did not take to well to this, stating that he made Natalie Portman a star, he is richer than God and can do whatever the fuck he wants. He said "The longer I waited, the more ridiculous shit I knew I could brainwash people into paying to see."

Exhibit A: 

Then he swished his beautiful hair back, punched me in the face, had his way with my woman, and walked out.

And so with that I mind I decided to really make you guys wait this one out, knowing that only anticipation can overcome the lack of quality that is sure to be painfully obvious throughout this post. 

Week 1 is behind us and what a week it was. Some close, hard fought games and some totally ridiculous blowouts, both in fantasy and in real football. Lets all take a quick moment of silence for Hines Ward, who is still unconscious from this hit:

Fucking asshole. 

This weeks "I got knocked da FUCK OUT" Award, a new concept inspired by this hit, is awarded to none other than MCGIBBLETS, who has a terrible team and is not afraid to show it. Good effort...

I would like to take another second to honor the recipient of the first Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Award - SackedBySuggs. A Thursday-to-Monday sandwich of points with Aaron Rodgers and Wes Welker as the bread. McGibblets never stood a chance.

Sidebar: Look at the awesome things that come up when you Google (TM) image search "McGibblets" (Safe search off of course)

I love the internet. Don't let the Haters get you down, Panda.


Report Card Summary: (ranking based on pts in week 1)
Mr McGibblets - C+ (10/10)
Yarnold Stupid Team Name - B (2/10)
Le Toux Legit 2 Quit - A- (4/10)
Bring It On - B (tie 5/10)
Fell off My Dinosaur - C- (9/10)
Cunning Linguists - B (tie 5/10)
Balls & Shaft - A- (7/10)
Buffalo Renaissance - A  (3/10)
SackedBySuggs - B- (1/10)
Vinegar Strokes - B- (8/10)

All in all, I think this clearly shows that except for really blasting Dinosaur and McGibblets and predicting Buffalo Renaissance had some nuts, I have no idea what I am talking about. 

Also I need to apologize and eat shit on calling out Vinegar Strokes for taking Benson in the 6th. I was wrong on that one. 

Leonard Hankerson was a healthy scratch this week, but I think he is definitely going to break out next week. 

Game Recaps:

Le Toux Legit 2 Quit vs. You Will Lose

With the assumption that any loss will force "You Will Lose" to change his no longer appropriate team name, I was really pulling for myself to win. Sadly it was not to be, Matt's QB in tight pants, Tom Brady bailed his ass out with a totally unsportsmanlike and uncalled for beatdown of division rival Miami. Matt, when asked if he thought Brady could put up 31 points, laughed audibly and began the name-change process for his team. And yet here we are. I like to see that type of defeatism in my competitors already, but it would have been nice to eek out the win.

SackedBySuggs vs. McGibblets

Enough Said. 

Vinegar Strokes vs. Fell off My Dinosaur

A hard fought, low-scoring affair of angry redheads, this matchup has a couple factoids worth noting:

5th overall pick Rashard Mendenhall had 3 points. Other players who had 3 points include Tampa Bay WR Dezmon Briscoe, and Dallas WR Kevin Ogletree, both free agents if you need someone of Mendenhall's caliber. 

10th round super Defense Pittsburgh had -3 points. 

Vinegar Strokes pulled out the win, but will need to step it up next week to keep the streak alive. 

Balls and Shaft vs. Cunning Linguists

The closest matchup of the weekend, this one came down to the wire. If it wasn't for stupid Nate Kaeding I think the Shaft would have won out over the the Linguists in the battle of the strangely sexual names. A rough start for championship hopeful B&S, and something strong to build off of for upstart Linguists. Shaft made some big changes on the waiver, and will be hoping for a stiffer performance next week, after a somewhat limp showing.

Buffalo Renaissance vs. Bring It On! 

Team 3-Johnsons came out strong and showed why they received the highest overall draft grade with a comfortable dismantling of Bring It On. Owner Paul Miller was said to be quite nervous and angry at Sean Payton, Drew Brees and Mark Ingram for their poor play calling and execution at the end of the Thursday night game, where Ingram got stuffed at the line by a resolute GB defense. Luckily for Buffalo R, the rest of the squad picked up the slack. 

and finally the... 

Cheerleader of the Week!

Brittnay (pronounced Britt-NAY)  Robertson, 26, of Gainesville, Fla, is "super-proud" to represent the storied and noble Jacksonville Jaguar franchise. Brittnay, a 2008 graduate in International Studies from UF reflects on her path to cheering...
 "I've spent approximately 3 years trying to find a job in the cesspool that is Florida, and in the end, all I had to do was pretend to like the Jaguars, wear skanky clothing and jump around with a smile on face. They give us full benefits plus a 401k. I mean, shit, right?"
Brittnay is seen above, pretending to be happy that she is forced to cheer for Luke McCown, when, even to her, a complete football novice, it is clear that he is a piece of crap. Later that night, it was rumored that McCown selected her from the field as the girl he would take home (his right as starting QB, according to popular media), but was rejected by Brittnay who was quoted as saying...

"I don't sleep with janitors."

Until next week, send me your dues, Shust, update your fucking team, and everyone say your prayers that the Steelers continue their winning ways.....

1 comment:

  1. yeah Shust..! Week 1 and your already a ball dropper!

    Also, awesome job Jeff! Highlight read of my week to date!