Thursday, September 29, 2011

Week 3 - The 7 Tiers of Luck

So yeah, you would not believe the amount of flak I take on this blog...particularly since no one really even reads it besides Josh and Paul. But I finally caved under the constant barrage of complaints....

Turtle Blood Award - Week 2 => McGibblets making a strong comeback after a rough week 1
Turtle Blood Award - Week 3 => Buffalo Renaissance has put up such an astounding performance that from this week forward the Bear Grylls Turtle Blood Male Performance Award shall be renamed as the Bear Grylls Buffalo Blood Male Performance award, because Bear Grylls is the only thing Buffalo would have trouble stealing victory from in the 4th quarter. Congrats Paul!

Speaking of congrats, Bring it on just returned from his honeymoon to discover his entire team is on the IR. Ouch.

Speaking of honeymoons, Balls and Shaft is getting married this weekend! It is my personal goal to ruin his wedding day by humiliating him on the fantasy football field....


Who is that hot chick with Ryan from The Office?

On to the football...

THE SEVEN TIERS OF LUCK

What is luck? The Webster's Definition is "a force that brings good fortune or adversity." In fantasy football, as in life, sometimes you need luck to win, and sometimes luck is the only thing that keeps you from winning. Every game has some semblance of luck, and this week it is my goal to place every team within the SEVEN TIERS OF LUCK, as defined by me. The scale runs from negative from positive in a continuous manner...

Tier 1 - Corey Feldman Fail Level (http://www.coreyfeldman.net/)
Named after a man who had it all but has slipped to new lows, The Corey Feldman Failure level of luck is reserved for those who just....can't....win. 

Only one team falls into this category, and that is Fell off my dinosaur. Some might argue that the performance Dinosaur was actually the result of a terrible draft and some poor waiver moves, but I think its just luck. 

Tier 2 - George W. Bush Lose/Lose Level 
Poor Dubya. The man did his best. He was out there, involved, trying hard to formulate sentences, rule the country, kill terrorists, and seem cool. That is a lot of responsibility. He put forth the effort, but no matter what, shit fell apart around him. But did he quit? NO. Why not? Cause he is George W. Fuckin Bush.



Two teams fall into this group. Bring it on, whose team has been viciously and repeatedly raped by knee injuries is a definite, and keeping him company is Vinegar Strokes, a team with a lot of heart, but who cannot seem to get a win. In week 3 he put a respectable 147, but was trounced by Buffalo Blood. 

Tier 3 - The Treasurer Level

No one wants to be the treasurer. President? Hell yes. VP? Sure why not? Treasurer? No thanks. Sure you are important, but no one cares and that just makes it more important for you to let people know you are important...

This category is solely occupied by McGibblets who was so embarassed by his week 1 performance that he came out like a crazy person in week 2, only to fall dramatically back to reality in week 3, despite screaming "look at me! look at me! i had 191 points last week!" over and over again. 

Tier 4 - The semi-smart, kinda popular, sort-of athletic guy you saw at the coffee shop that you think was in your high school but you aren't sure level

You know this guy. Well you knew him. Well you saw him. He was definitely there, cause he is in your yearbook. Did he he do much? Nope. Never really dated any popular girls, went to parties, but didn't go crazy. Played sports, but wasn't a star. Got good grades, but not valedictorian. Essentially, he just existed, under a luck-proof umbrella. He is in the 4th row, on the left side, next to a girl who took Latin all four years of high school. 


This category is populated by Cunning Linguists and Balls and Shaft. Both were definitely all-stars when they were in high school, but in this league, they sit in the middle of the class, I think....

Tier 5 - The "Chuck" Level
Chuck was a lowly member of the Nerd Herd at the local BuyMore electronics store. Then one day he was given the gift of super spy knowledge, and before he knew what happened he was fake-dating a super hot CIA agent and traveling the globe fighting evil. Sadly, he never really got the super hot CIA agent into bed, and no matter how hard he tried, he was still just a nerd...


Le Toux is a FF Chuck.  Am I super lucky? Yes. I put an astounding two goose eggs on the board, won my game, and still outscored two other teams. That is fucking amazing. Will I remain that lucky? Will I land the CIA Agent seen above? 

No. I am still just a nerd. And I love my super hot doctor wife anyways....

Also in this group is SackedBySuggs.  Alternative group name options include "Yeah we wear purple. What of it?" "The Maryland State Flag is Beautiful!" and "Fuck the Steelers"

Tier 6 - The Tom "I am a douchebag and you are still wicked jealous of me" Brady Level
What a fucking assbag. I just hate Tom Brady. So let's all take a moment to remember this fine day...

In this group is You Will Lose. He is forever man-bonded to Tom Brady. Yeah, in that way. Sick bastard. 

Tier 7 - Justin Timberlake Tier
He can sing like an angel. His dancing makes women rip their panties off. He is filthy rich. He is in movies...

And this....


Thats right. Buffalo Renaissance, that sneaky son-of-a-bitch, is grabbing the metaphorical breasts of this fantasy league and squeezing them on national television, smiling while the league just looks on like we have no say in the matter....luckiest bastard alive.



COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I promised a twin pack of COWS this week, but the jury is still out on the winners...


3 comments:

  1. i for one bitched and moaned for days to get this blog up and running again and look where it got me! Square in the middle of mediocre land, despite the fact that i never should have lost in week 1 (damn you Nate Keadings knee).

    none-the-less i intend to put the comish in his place, even if i have to set my lineup from the altar.

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  2. Mediocre in terms of luck is not a bad thing. Relax Ace.

    ReplyDelete