Saturday, October 6, 2012

Report Card on the Report Card

Anyone watch the debate? Here is the best recap I've seen.


The Championship Trophy

So obviously there was a long chain of emails debating the name of the trophy. Since then, it has arrived from England and is resting on my mantle temporarily while I determine how to proceed from here with naming, getting engravings etc. The trophy is shown below. There is no frame of reference here, but it is about 14" tall, made of silver with a solid marble base. 


Having seen and held it, I feel that the Margaret Thatcher Fantasy Championship of American Football trophy is fitting (nicknamed the Iron Lady). However, I did say that we could vote, so here are the options - Please submit a vote by Monday night so I can try to get this thing put in for some engraving and other TLC. If you want to suggest a change that is fine. 

A: The Margaret Thatcher Fantasy Championship of American Football (Iron Lady)
B: The Pippa Middleton Championship (The Slutty Sister)
C: League Champion selects the trophy name the following year, with league majority approval. 
D. Other


Also, this just happened. 

I love the last line. Amazing. 


AFC LEAST©




I like to imagine they are saying "boobies" not "number" - makes it much more entertaining. Go DOLPHINS!

The talented Dolphins cheerleaders make an excellent lead-in to my promised discussion of the trainwreck that is the AFC east - in particular the Jets and the Bills. It seems that the Jets have no idea what to do without Revis, and have lost one of their best offense players in Holmes as well. This team has been a circus for years. Let's recap...

A quick Google search of "New York Jets Scandal" returns quite a few quality results from the last few years. Brett Favre's penis. Ines Sainz and Mark Sanchez. Joe McKnight and the USC payoffs. Rex Ryan and his foot fetish. Tim Tebow. It's ridiculous. How could this team ever be taken seriously? I use this lead-in to highlight perhaps my WORST draft grade - I said that SackedBySuggs taking Shonne Greene in, well any round really, was a good pickup. Barf. He sucks and they suck. It's too bad that they do not play the Ravens this year...nothing warms the heart before the coming winter like Mark Sanchez getting blindsided, fumbling and then near-crying on national TV, while Ines Sainz smiles and counts her money.

So the Bills - I can see blowing a 14 point lead. It happens. The part that baffles me is the 30 or so points that came after that - in like 1.5 quarters. Wow. You seriously have to try to give up that many points. I think that if the Bills had just knelt three times and punted on every possession it would have been better for them. I am sorry Paul, I really am. We all hate the Patriots for one reason or another, but damn. Pwned.

The Patriots will easily win this division yet again, and their schedule is ridiculous, so they will probably have a great record. NFC East and AFC North teams got a raw deal having to play each other and within their own divisions. That is a lot of tough games (minus any involving the Browns). Who do the AFC East get out of conference? The NFC West. The mighty (THEY ARE WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE) Cardinals, the Rams, the soon-to-collapse Seahawks, and the respectable 49ers. This makes me wonder what the worst division in the NFL really is?

Charge the paddles...he's coding!

The great thing about football, and fantasy football, is that anything can happen - especially if you make the playoffs. This is reason #1 why Nate should not give up on his team.
  1. Anything can happen if you make the playoffs
  2. It's a keeper league so this season is but one of many
  3. He needs to prove that keeping CJ2K as his first pick was brilliant, not retarded
  4. He doesn't really care about the NFL anyways because of his uncontrollable ND erection, so he needs Fantasy to keep him interested
  5. It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock & roll (not a real reason, just the song that came on)
  6. Pat did it. 
I once (last weekend) saw Nate carry 60+ pounds of gear into the woods for one of his many bachelor parties while drinking shitty beer, wearing a bandana, not wearing a jacket even when it got into the mid 40's, and eating squid jerky. Photo evidence below. (Note in pictute #2 how I am huddled from warmth, and Nate is debating taking off his pants). If he is man enough to do that, he can swallow his pride and finish out this season. 


Yes, that is Mike Krantz on the left. 

So Nate - we implore you. Do not give up. Do not go quiet into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of your shitty team. (Dylan Thomas - paraphrased)

4-0 for Real?

Perhaps the best reason for Nate to persevere is John Shust and his Arian Brotherhood. In the points against category, he has a shocking 385 points. The next closest person is over 500. W.T.F? This cannot continue. An average of 96.25 points against a week? My grandmother could go 4-0 with that luck and she cannot turn on a computer. So lets take a look at average points per week for the entire league, for and against. I also threw in a column of whether your points for-points against is a positive or negative number, and my own personal power ranking. My power ranking is developed using the following equation:

JPR = (Points For/League Max Points For) x (Points Against/League Max Points Against)

Both terms can be a maximum of 1. A larger number is better. Using this metric, John Prader and Time is Yours has the strongest team, but has been getting unlucky. Does this metric even make sense? Is anyone reading this?

Rank Team Pts For Pts Against Net Pts Jeff Power Ranking
1 Arian Brotherhood 130 96.25 + 0.5070
2 Dammit Jim I'm a Dr. 159.75 128 + 0.8285
3 Ron Fu*king Swanson 152.25 136 + 0.8389
4 SackedBySuggs 151.25 125.5 + 0.7691
5 Vinegar Strokes 133 141.25 - 0.7612
6 Buffalo Renaissance 124.25 132 - 0.6645
7 Time is Yours 136 154.5 - 0.8513
8 Brady's Bunch 135 150 - 0.8205
9 Dick Trickle 99.25 134.25 - 0.5399
10 Cunning Linguists 115.5 138.5 - 0.6481


Math on a Saturday night. Blah. 

Draft Grades Revisited:

So I respectfully, though not without innuendo, requested that you guys send me your thoughts on my draft grades. I invited you to make fun of me. This was literally, and I mean literally literally, not figuratively, Pat's favorite thing to do my sophomore year of college. And yet, nothing. Paul REQUESTED that I open the floor for discussion, and all he gave me was a gChat message. Class participation is worth 20% of your grade guys. 

Thankfully, though not surprisingly, Josh did respond. Yeah, the same Josh who said he wouldn't be able to respond because his computer died did in fact respond. He probably typed the whole damn thing on his iDevice. 

I put my grades to the test against the JPR rankings to see how they fared first. Not terrible, but certainly not perfectly correlated.

Rank Team Draft Grade JPR
7 Time is Yours B 0.85133
3 Ron Fu*king Swanson 0.838932
2 Dammit Jim I'm a Dr. A- 0.828479
8 Brady's Bunch B 0.820457
4 SackedBySuggs 0.769077
5 Vinegar Strokes C 0.761151
6 Buffalo Renaissance B+ 0.664509
10 Cunning Linguists D+ 0.64813
9 Dick Trickle C+ 0.539853
1 Arian Brotherhood B- 0.506961

Here are the original draft grades, with my comments and Josh's comments added in, plus random Cheerleader Pictures:

Dick Trickle: "One man's trash..."

QB - Adopted all of the broken battered QBs of last season as keepers
RB - A bunch of soft guys with big play/game upside
WR - He has a lot riding on Reggie Wayne and Greg Jennings
Best Keep - Peyton
Best Pick - Reggie Wayne in the 6th
Worst Pick - SANTANA MOSS
Grade - C+

Josh: Looking back….stockpile of worthy QB’s unfortunately the rest of the team is lacking outside of ADP and perhaps Bush if he gets healthy. Then again in about a dozen #1’s get injured this team of backups could be good.

Jeff: Before his injury, Bush was a stud and I totally missed that one. Otherwise, I think I was spot on.

Ahh the remnants of an ill-advised belly button ring. Made you look. 

Vinegar Strokes: "In Drew we trust..."

QB - Love the QB picks here...Brees is Brees, and A. Smith could finally come of age
RB - Not much depth, and some injury concerns. I like FJax this year though.
WR - Again, not much solid depth, but some good young guys
Best Keep - MJD at the bottom of the 2nd round is tempting, but it goes to Fjax
Best Pick - Vjax in the 4th
Worst Pick - See Above
Grade - C

Josh: Looking back….nail on the head with Brees and Fjax would probably be here if he was healthy…. Have to put VJAX in as a positive tho even with Josh Freemans as his QB
Jeff: Meh - This was a straightforward one.

Arian Brotherhood: "Opposite ends of the spectrum"

QB - He took 3, and all I have to say is I hope Locker pays off. Ryan and Freeman are too mediocre
RB - Some solid young guys and some solid old guys, but Foster and Murray are the engine room here
WR - Again, Torrey Smith, the best 2nd year guy, and Steve Smith, the Father of Time.
Best Keep - Meh. Its a toss up.
Best Pick - DeMarco Murrary at 18th overall
Worst Pick - Matty Ice in the 3rd Round
Grade - B-

Josh: Looking back…. “Ryan is soft” … umm not so much this year between he and Foster he’s got a good base although I think his RB depth will be tested.

Jeff: I don't know why Josh air quoted "Ryan is soft" - I said he was mediocre and before this season he was. And he took him in the third round. c'mon man. Benching Torrey Smith in prime time, on the day his brother died, against the Patriots....that is like Fantasy 101. Booooo.



SackedBySuggs: "Must know something we don't RE: WR"

QB - Superstar and Rookie - Safe strategy
RB - No big names, but lots of PPR potential in Sproles. Never trust the lawfirm...
WR - Brandon Marshall before Andre Johnson, Greg Jennings, Hakeem Nicks, and Marques Colston
Best Keep - SF in the 15th
Best Pick - It pains me to say it, but Shonn Greene in the 7th
Worst Pick - I am going out on a limb - Marshall in the 2nd
Grade - B

Josh: Looking back….i would probably have to flip flop the best and worst pick here… Greene is completely useless and Marshall and Cutler seems to have some big games ahead for them. Not sure if there is a single RB on this team I trust

Jeff: He did know something that I didnt know. He knew that Brandon Marshall was not going to suck ass for starters. Man was I dead wrong on Shonn Greene. Quick - Pick up Bilal Powell!

She's a maniac, MANIAC on the floor....

Cunning Linguists: "Autodraft - Roll out! "

QB - I like the Stafford/Rapelisberger pair a lot
RB - sigh. its going to be a tough year at RB
WR - Not a bad mix. PPR guys and big play guys.
Best Keep - Stafford in 11
Best Pick - Harvin in the 2nd*
Worst Pick - Janikowski at all
Grade - D+


Josh: Looking back…not exactly sure how this year is 0-4… maybe not a ton of superstars but solid players all around.. worst pick still stands, I don’t care how many points he has. Like the WR, hate the RB’s
Jeff: Well the JPR and his points for show how he is 0-4. The real mystery is how is Pat NOT 0-4.


Buffalo Renaissance: "BEAST MODE"

QB - Rivers and Romo - definitely solid
RB - Lots of fragility here. Richardson could pay off, but he may have gone a bit early - limits the keeper value
WR - Pretty solid group - He is one good waiver pick up from WR greatness in my mind
Best Keep - Jones in the 8th
Best Pick - Rivers is a steal in the 7th round
Worst Pick - I may eat my words 15 times over for this, but I think Lynch will let him down
Grade - B+

Josh: Looking back…perhaps the best group of WR’s in the league and yes, you can eat your words on Lynch thus far…. Richardson too

Jeff: Keywords - thus far. There is still plenty of time for Lynch to punch a stripper or steal a car or something. Also, the Seahawks magic will run out (it may have already run out during Golden Tate - Gate) and people will start pounding on them. So far, my words have been eaten 4 times...

See Mark Sanchez - It's raining and your Cheerleaders are still kicking ass. Take notes...

Dammit Jim I'm a Dr: "You may ask yourself , 'Well, how did I get here?' "

QB - I am "very desirous that a black quarterback do well." 
RB - If Gore, Hillis and Smith stay healthy....who am I kidding?
WR - Not too shabby if I do say so myself
Best Keep - CAMALAMADINGDONG Newton
Best Pick - Mike Goodson...oh wait I dropped him. Austin in the 5th
Worst Pick - Probably going to be Roddy White. Pat is right - Jones will steal looks.
Grade - A-

Josh: Looking back….no way Roddy White is a worst anything… those WR are money and Ray Rice is a beast. I don’t trust Gore the least bit but that’s small potatos. You could also use a better option at TE.

Jeff: I propose that we declare a league holiday - every year on August 29th we can all get together and celebrate how fucking awesome my draft was. There will be popcorn, a ball pit, pin the tail on the donkey, and bobbing for apples. Who's in? I am accepting name suggestions for this holiday. You guys are awesome at this. 


Brady's Bunch: "Love of Tom Brady makes you blind - it's science"

QB - It's time that we all watch this again
RB - Passed on ADP, because of injury concerns, to get Ryan Mathews...hmmm
WR - Young guys with lots of big play potential - not as big of a PPR upside as some other teams
Best Keep - Cruz
Best Pick - I am going to go with Jennings
Worst Pick - Mathews - Mark it down.
Grade - B

Josh: Looking back… Mathews over ADP seems like a abject disaster and Jennings is a non factor… I will never call Victor Cruz the best anything, ever
Jeff: Yeah so I don't know what abject means, but I do know that Ryan Mathews blows. Cruz


Time is Yours: "Gumption, Hutzpah, Pizazz - they have something"

QB - Manning could be Luck-y - badumpbump
RB - A couple tanks in Turner and Hardesty, and a Mazda Miata in McFadden
WR - These guys honestly scare me a little
Best Keep - Seriously, Gronk.
Best Pick - Demaryius in the 6th is going to be good
Worst Pick - Brick Fingers Greg Little
Grade - B

Josh: Looking back… gotta say its pretty spot on here, except Gronk hasn’t been the monster he was last year. Greg Little has indeed been terrible. Best pick may end up being Morris

Jeff: Still really worried about this team. JPR indicates they are a powerhouse.

Ron Fucking Swanson: "I'd like to buy stock in Kevlar Chest Protectors for QBs"

QB - Vick and Cutler - Fragile and Fruity
RB - Yeah definitely the best group in the league
WR - Again, really solid
Best Keep - Charles without a doubt
Best Pick - I like Holmes in 12
Worst Pick - Cinncinati Defense - Playing the Ravens in week 1 - FLACCO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grade - A

Josh: Looking back… should have listen to the words of wisdom regarding Nicks as he has spent his whole season in the Ice bath… RB depth still makes me feel good about my chances, unlike the feeling I get resting my hopes on Vick.

Jeff: Is it possible to quantify how right I was about the Cincinnati Defense? They racked up a solid -1 pts. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut and maybe Josh would have kept them. Let's try this out. 
Drop Jamaal Charles - he is playing the Ravens this week. ED REED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sits by waiver wire....)


Thanks for all of your input guys.
To you Josh, I say:


I left this song playing after I googled it and Max, my dog and brotha from anotha species, started barking his head off then ran out of the room. Good stuff. 

All I am saying is throw a joke in there now and again - and maybe an Instagram photo of some pasta. But thanks for participating...


1 comment:

  1. Bilal Powell... better football name than player. I'll let you know when i drop Charles. Start your breathe holding...now!

    ReplyDelete