Sunday, October 21, 2012

Variety is the Spice of Life

How boring would the world be if every girl were the same? More importantly, how boring would the world be if soccer was the only sport? 

maybe not that terrible...

NO it would suck. Variety is critical, particularly in an age where our attention spans last all of 12 seconds. There are people in this league who would openly and proudly state that they do not and will not read books because it takes too long and they can just watch TV. Twitter lets us say things and read things in 140 characters or less, because 200 characters (aka TWO SENTENCES) is too much.

We crave variety, and fortunately for us, fantasy football is no exception. We play by a uniform set of rules, but after that, how we do it is totally up to us. We have some people who put in a lot of hours studying stats and data. Some people read everything they can on the interblogs. Some people just look at the predictions on Yahoo. Some people wait each week for a nasty email from the Commish about updating their team. Some of us have so much to say that we write our own blog. 

One place where we all have different mindsets is in how to trade. You need not look past the fact that there have been NO trades this season as proof. Well, it could just be that people are too lazy or uninterested to trade, but I know of several trade efforts that have gone around and never come to fruition because of irreconcilable differences. Maybe if we all try to understand all the trading personalities that are out there, we may have more success in the future. Any reference to actual people  or teams in this league is purely coincidental. 

What type of trader are you?

The Used Car Salesman

MO: The used-car salesman offers up old, has-been players supported by hollow promises and meaningless guarantees in the hopes that nostalgia may win out. He preys on impulse buying by owners, providing what seems to be a good deal on the surface, but is predicated on distant pass success. The buyer wants so bad to believe that the old rust bucket still has a little magic left, and the used car salesman tries to make them. 

Example Trade: Randy Moss for literally anyone in the league. 

Someone offered me a trade - me for Justin Blackmon....hmmmmm.....I used to be good....

The Statistician 

MO: Stats can tell any story that you, if you find the right ones. The statistician will attempt to exploit this fact to push through what is a universally seen as a shitty trade offer. Typically the trade offer comes with some seemingly eye-opening statistics meant to blind the trade partner from the real facts. You might see something like this - "He's averaged 13 points a game this season, 14+ in the last 4 games. Looking at all RB/WR/TE and their averages, he is in the top 70. Considering we have to start 7 people at those positions each week, that makes him a must start in my opinion. He's top 5/6 in TE's, depending on how you look at it."

Yes there it is - depending on how you look at it. The key phrase for the statistician. Watch for this. 

Example Trade: #5 overall TE Kyle Rudolph for  #8 overall TE Jimmy Graham (ranks depend on how you look at it)

Some random things come up when you Google Image Search "statistician."

The King Theoden

MO: King Theoden lets them come to him. He does not meet halfway. He does not converse. He does not instigate. If shit gets bad, he takes all his people he retreats to Helm's Deep. This is effectively baiting then enemy into walking into a trap. In Fantasy Football terms, the King Theoden will announce via message board, the trading block, email or whatever that they are open to trades for various players. Typically this will include all of their studs, their keepers, and their shitty players. Then they sit back and wait. If they feel adventurous they may say something like "I want a WR" but nothing more. Let the fools come, and I shall SMITE down their offers and undermine their self-esteem until they accept a less-than-stellar trade offer. Passive-aggressive is the name of the game. Note that there is a general undertone of laziness here as well. 

Example Trade: 
Team X put the following people on the trading block: Everyone
Team X wants a RB, but none of the ones that you will offer are adequate. 

Just try an offer me a trade. I am asking you to. Really, I am. Can't you tell?

The Venture Capitalist (aka Scrooge McDuck)

MO: The Venture Capitalist, or VC, offers you an cash investment in exchange for some return on investment down the line. They accept the lion-share of the risk, but they will reap the majority of the benefits. Typically the trade offers seem to good to be true at the moment. You're being offered solid dependable performers for the flyer pick on your bench and a stud. The VC focuses on the risk of the flyer pick, how they are hoping for big things down the line in the playoffs, and how you could use the dependable performance to even have a shot. VCs are typically already rich, meaning they have a solid team and are in the top half of the standings. In reality, the VC is going for the stud. They have the depth to pass you two dependable players for the stud, but the flyer offers a distraction. 

Example Trade: Steven Jackson and Nate Burleson for AJ Green and Alshon Jeffery

"I'm doing YOU a favor here pal"

The Jerry Macguire

MO: Help me help you! The Jerry Macguire assesses the trade in depth and presents it in a light of the greatest good to all involved. Team A has this weakness and Team B has that weakness and with a simple trade both of these weaknesses can be addressed. This is similar to the VC, except that typically players will all be on a relatively similar level, and the discussion focuses on honest benefit to both teams. The Jerry will try to hide potential issues with their players, be it injury potential, strength of schedule etc, and will similarly not focus on perceived weaknesses of the players they are taking. Jerry knows what he is getting into. The critical issue with any Jerry Macguire trade is the manner in which the owners assign value to their players. In this respect, Jerry Macguire moonlights as a statistician, bending the stats to portray approximately equal value to both teams. 

Example Trade: Roddy White and Owen Daniels for Jamaal Charles and Jimmy Graham. 

"Show me the the Greatest Good for all parties involved!"


As Good as it Gets Guy (AGGG)

MO:  The AGGG offers a ridiculous trade. When it is rejected, he offers an even worse trade, which is also subsequently rejected. The cycle continues until the offer is so bad that the first offer begins to look good. You want to make a trade, so you start to reconsider the initial offer. The AGGG attempts to take advantage of your desire to make a trade to improve your team. He is patient, but takes a hard line. The first offer is as good as it gets. 

Example Trade: Dwayne Bowe for Felix Jones, then Dwayne Bowe for Frank Gore, then Dwayne Bowe for Ray Rice, then Dwayne Bowe for Felix Jones. 

"You make me want to be a better trader"

If you guys have any others, send them along and I will add them. 


  1. perhaps some of your best work thus far... bravo~! And even managed to take a jab at your own team. I dig it.

  2. In my defense, I hadn't proposed any trade to anyone when I went through my "statistician" example so I wasn't using it to push through a shitty trade, just explaining why I thought the people I had were good value. I'll continue to start both TE's until someone of better value comes along in the WR category. Also, very funny about the Felix jones scenario, a similar thing happened in the work league I'm in where the guys strategy is to start off with the player he wants, then propose more and more ridiculous trades until the other owner is so angry that he tries to sneak in the original trade again while the owner is emotional.

  3. "In your defense?" - there is no need for that. remember, any resemblance to anyone or any team in our league is purely coincidental. haha...all in good fun.

  4. Any trade that gets done is probably a blend of some of the above... I by nature am more of a nurturer than quick fix guy (I surely will be mocked for that term and I accept that upfront). Accolades to those that build their teams the old fashioned way (draft/waiver wire i.e. Green Bay) and have the courage to lay in the bed they make (or whatever that stupid saying is).