Thursday, November 15, 2012

You know what was the best?

As I was walking Max tonight (yes Pat, walking, not running) I decided to listen to a little music. After a block of debating/nearly walking into trees while staring at my phone, I settled on the album "Siamese Dream," by the Smashing Pumpkins. To jog your memory, this is the album with "Today", "Disarm" and of course, "Cherub Rock." So as we are walking and listening, I pondered just how amazing this album is. In middle/high school, it was life-alteringly amazing, and it still stirs up emotions. This got me started thinking about all the other things from before the year 2000 that were just totally fucking awesome. Said list begins here:

1. Toaster Strudel (1994) - Some guy was like you know what, Pop-Tarts? Fuck you. I am done with your super burnt edges, tongue-scalding filling and crappy plastic-y icing. I am going to make a make a new breakfast treat with flaky crust and awesome filling. Then I am going to cover it in fucking icing and call it a strudel. Suck it.

God bless that guy.

2. 90s Alternative and the associated music videos - 90's alt rock has to be one of the greatest music periods of all time. I realize that music videos are still made today, but back in like '95, I think they about peaked. Some classics from that magical time period that jump to mind are below. Feel free to watch or skip. Some music to listen whilst you read, perhaps?

1995 - Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins (yes more)

1997 - Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters

1997 - Semi Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind

1996 - Don't Speak - No Doubt

1995 - Santa Monica - Everclear

3. 1998 - Wearing khakis and a plain grey t-shirt every day. Correction - Gap Khakis and a plain grey Gap t-shirt. 

4. 1999 - "I know Kung Fu"

Yes the Matrix was probably one of the most influential and dare I say, seminal movies of our generation. Not only did it revolutionize moving making at the time, but it made it totally OK to be a nerd again, and I know there are some legit nerds in this group who know what I am talking about. Keanu Reeves, who already had a special place in all of hearts from the "excellent" combination of Bill and Ted, Point Break, and Speed, totally sealed the deal here. Then for extra insurance, he was the subject of one of the greatest internet trends of all time. 

Sit. Eat. Sad. 

Obviously the list of movies could go on forever, so let's just say this - I would be surprised if your favorite all-time movies are not in this list. 

Matrix. Dumb and Dumber. Home Alone. Usual Suspects. Goldeneye. American Pie. Scream. Point Break. Groundhog Day. Jurassic Park. Something About Mary. Terminator 2. Pulp Fiction. Swingers. Reservoir Dogs. Nightmare Before Christmas. Total Recall. Good Will Hunting. Seven. Braveheart. Mortal Kombat. Forrest Gump. American Beauty. Independence Day. Clueless. From Dusk Til Dawn. Desperado. Speed. Clerks. Fight Club. Titanic. Basic Instinct. Shawshank Redemption. 

5. "...I'm always ready...I won't let you out of my sight....."

Baywatch. The show was thin on plot, heavy of drama, and abounding with breasts. The formula was so simple, and repeated literally every week, but we all watched it anyways. Look what came out of the show...

Nicole Eggert
Yasmine Bleeth
Donna D'Erico
Pamela Anderson
Gina Lee Nolan
Erika Eleniak
Carmen Electra

The Hoff

Other notable TV shows include: Seinfeld (they're real and they're spectacular!), Boy Meets World (Topanga made lips attractive to boys, and we had NO IDEA WHY), Saved by the Bell (Jessie on speed episode is the G.O.A.T.), Captain Planet, Power Rangers (Why was the asian Ranger yellow, and how hot was the Pink Ranger?), GUTS, American Gladiators (Assault anyone?), Home Improvement, Fresh Prince, X-Files, That 70s show (when Mila Kunis was just annoying, not annoying and super-hot), Dawsons Creek, Renegade, Xena/Hercules, ER, 7th Heaven (only cause of Jessica Beal), 

6. CD Burners - These things changed the mix tape game. No more listening to the radio trying to record a song. No more rewinding. Do you need the that list of songs for the case? Nope! just write on the CD with a marker. Nevermind that you could only write at like 2x, and 9 out of 10 times the CD didnt work. It was still amazing. 

7.  Umbros - These shorts allowed so much freedom it was ridiculous. Combined with a pair of boxers and basically you were just floating in the breeze. Movement was amazing. Any color you wanted, and bonus! chicks looked great in them too. 

8. A complete lack of Facebook. 

9. Drew Barrymore Playboy Spread -  pre-Never Been Kissed

Back in the day, Drew Barrymore was exactly the crazy wild child you would expect considering her family and all that. Now she is tamed it down a bit, minus that marriage to Tom Green, and is cranking out one or two rom-coms a year to pay the bills. But old Drew....super hot. I distinctly recall stealing this playboy from my Dad (If you're reading this Dad, sorry)

Kristy Swanson (OG Buffy) would have made the list, but that was 2002. 

10. When you dressed like a nerd, you were just a nerd. Now you're an edgy hipster...

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