Sunday, September 29, 2013

Week 3 Update

Trade PSA: It is the responsibility of the parties involved in a trade to protect their own interests, and it is the responsibility of the commissioner to verify that no one is doing anything shady. So while I do not always agree with a trade, if I do not see anything nefarious happening, I have no choice but to approve it.

National Coffee Day

Here is everything you need to know to get free coffee today! There is also a deal at Wawa but you have to sign up for something online first. Here is more info on coffee, from the Oatmeal.

Week 4 Previews

It's a weird week. All the winning teams except one are playing one another, and all the losing teams are playing one another. Hopefully things will level out a bit.

For the third week in a row, Josh was Toyota HOF blowout of the week, this time at my expense (see below). At some point, someone is going to show up and score points against him. Let's hope it's this week against Farley's Fiddlers. The marquee matchup of the week involves these two undefeated teams. Pat's chances just took a hit with the Brees trade, but Peyton Manning should absolutely dismantle the Eagles so my money is on Pat.

So you're saying there's a chance? Wait. NO chance. I see. No chance. 

Glenside and the Golden Showers are both heading into their matchup at 2-1, with the winner likely taking a solid hold on an early playoff spot (3rd and 4th).  With a win, Hey Buddy can also lock himself in the top 4 with a win over the somewhat depleted but also bolstered squad of Mustache with Titties, who is dire need of  a win.

Down at the bottom of the barrel, the losers are matched up. Chris and I are going head to head after several weeks of failed trade discussions, and are both playing players that we could have traded. I got a good start from Boldin who was resuscitated against the Rams, and as of yet, Chris has no QB.

Finally, Paul is at 0-3 and desperate for a win to keep him in contention. He is facing Travis who got an early boost from Frank Gore.  Good luck to everyone except Josh.


She had an 0-4 start. Let's hope it doesn't come to this. 


Does anyone have an old Verizon iPhone? I idea. 

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Congrats to John and Becky

On Monday at 8:58 PM, John became the proud new owner of a baby boy, Justin Timothy. He got his good looks from his mother.

Congrats buddy! Can't wait to meet him...

Maybe you should update your team name. You can't use those kinds of words around children. You know nothing, John Shust.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Hi, my name is Jeff, and I am an Eagles fans...

I like salads. They are typically good for you. There is an infinite number of combinations of things that can go in a salad. So you want a reason to eat hard boiled eggs, celery, blue cheese, and chicken? Put it on a salad. So you want to feel good about eating a steak? Slice it up and put it on a salad. Moreover, almost everyone likes salad to some degree. Some people really love it. You can get a salad anywhere. Salad is a good thing. I like salad.

Would you pay $36 for a salad?
This salad costs $36. Full of seemingly delicious ingredients, but maybe not worth the money

However, I do not like salad more than I like real food. Salad is not my favorite food. I like the flexibility of the salad, of having the readily available Plan B. Salad is maybe best for me as a side dish, an accompaniment to the main course.  When it comes down to it, I will take my steak (on a plate) with salad on the side.

For me, the Philadelphia Eagles are salad. They are the readily available, palatable alternative to my Baltimore Ravens-flavored T-bone. I have been in/around Philadelphia for nearly half my life at this point, and it is difficult to not get wrapped up in something so all-encompassing. So without further delay, here are the reasons I like salad:

  1. Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend - Before 1996, the only team in my area was the Redskins. It was a good time for the Redskins, but I really never got into them. When the Browns became the Ravens, I became a Ravens fan. Around the same time, Redskins fans became dicks. Combined with the local rivalry, I hate the Redskins. Fast-forward to the Super Bowl in 2000 between the  Ravens and the Giants.I am a freshman at Drexel, and it turns out there is large population of Giants fans at Drexel. Giants fans are dicks too. I had to endure two weeks of game management Trent Dilfer comments, Ray Lewis murder comments, and general animosity. Well we win, and I forever hate the Giants. I also, obviously hate the Cowboys. And you guys hate the Steelers. It's a win-win.
  2. Fantasy Relevance - Outside of the Ravens, my favorite part of football is fantasy football, and the Eagles provide plenty of fantasy fodder. Mike Vick, LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin and DeSean Jackson are the big names, but even going back to McNabbulous, Terrell Owens, and Brian Westbrook there have been some awesome fantasy quantities. It's much easier to watch a team every week when you have something to root for. (sorry about ending that sentence in a preposition)
  3. Bandwagon FTW - It's so easy to root for a winner. When the Eagles are good, the entire city becomes a more pleasant place to be. Race lines fade away, people stop at stop signs, and SEPTA still runs late, but no one seems to care. 
  4. Free Stuff - If the Eagles win, we all get free coffee from Dunkin Donuts. In the past, we have gotten free pizza from Papa Johns and Free Tacos from Taco Bell. Free stuff = awesome. 
  5. Self-preservation - It's not easy being a football fan in a different city than the one where your team plays. You rarely see games, no one knows what the hell you are talking about when you want to discuss your team. I have to be able to hold an Eagles-driven conversation. 
Here are some of my favorite Eagles moments (I am sure there are better ones out there, but these come to mind):
  1. McNabbulous playing with broken ankle
  2. 4th and 26
  3. Beating Vick and the Falcons
  4. Sheldon Brown hit on Reggie Bush
  5. How did this get here?
So when steak isn't on the menu, I can settle for a salad. 

Thursdays game was tough, but on the upside, we there was a Kool-Aid Man siting....

"Oh no. OH NO! OH YEAH!!!" <----worth a click

Week 3 Update

Last week's games left us with three teams at 2-0. No surprise that Gatorade me, Bitch! is up there after two year of success. Hey Buddy! snuck in with a tight win over Initials, and then a week 2 no-show from the Golden Eagles. I don't want to say it's a surprise, because that would be insulting, but I am pleased to see Farley's Fiddlers are 2-0, despite the fact that it came at my expense. In November 2011, I wrote the following:
Fell Off My Dinosaur is setting an amazing example for the rest of us, still making moves, still trying to win, despite his incredible record of 0-9. I have never seen anything like it...
Well those moves led to his current success. So it's bittersweet, but  I am happy to see Pat at 2-0.

Travis and I had a crazy-tight match-up which I thought I had won on literally the last play of the last game of the week. Then, sure enough, a stat correction came in and we ended up in a tie. 

Glenside put up very big big in fact that I had to consult the record books. Glenside's 160 points represents his third highest point total in league history, putting up 161 and 164 in 2011. Congrats Glenside, and clearly you should never be involved in your drafting. 

Seven teams were right in the 130-150 range. Maybe we finally achieved parity. 

Three teams are not fortunate enough to have a win as of yet. To them, I say:

Maybe throw it to Antonio Brown more often. Dick. 

Who is going to lost to Shust first? 

This week's contestant is SackedBySuggs. He is off to a good start with Shust getting only 3 points from Salad starter Brent Celek. The fate's may align for Shust this week, as the rumor is he is going to be a dad really soon. Shustie I am pulling for you...


This kind of joy can only come when your team annihilates the reigning NFC Champions, holding Anquan to a mere 1pt. 

I'm not wearing anything beneath this pom-pom

It was a windy day, so the cheerleaders holding the flag were selected based on ballast-ability. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Week 2 Update

So Farley's Fiddlers sits atop the league standings right now after scoring the most points in the league in his match up against me. In second is the Golden Showers with an impressive performance all across the board (i.e., 1/3 of his points were not from one player). Gatorade is in third, as would be expected of the current champion. Hey Buddy is in the fourth spot after a close win over Initials, and finally Big McLarge is in fifth after beating Mustache and starting a new season long contest...see below.

Last Monday at 9:30pm when I checked the final of my match up

Last week, partly for fun, and partly because I had not other topic to write about, I made predictions for each match up. Globally I went 2/5 with some choice bits of insight that turned out to be fairly valid, but overall, a complete failure. Moving forward, I am probably done with these predictions, and if I find myself lacking inspiration, I will just talk about myself.

Allow myself to talk about....myself


"Who is going to be the first to lose to Shust?" 

WEEK 2 - This weeks contestant is Gatorade, who is projected to win 139-121 currently. Currently Vegas has the odds of Mustache beating Gatorade at 400:1.

Great News for Farley's Fiddlers

Last year, in week 1, I scored the second most points in the league but lost by four points, meaning I was the most unlucky person in the league. This year, in week 1, I scored the second most points in the league but lost by four points, meaning I am still the most unlucky person in the league. The good news for Farley is the team that beat me last season went on to win. If you are going to get sixty points from a QB, let it be the same week you are playing the guy who gets 44 points from a 30 year old (beloved) wide receiver.

You don't owe Jeff anymore. You've given him everything.

Not everything. Not yet. 

The Al Davis Award

Yesterday I got a notification from the NFL Mobile app on my phone. Note the breaking news at the top of the image below... 

Then you say:
"But wait Jeff, the Al Davis award is about the worst decision in the draft. Mark Sanchez went undrafted, so what the hell are you talking about? "

I am talking about Vick Ballard. He is so not good, that when he goes on IR, NFL Mobile does not bother to tell us, but when undrafted fantasy stud Mark Sanchez goes on the short term IR, I get a notification. Goodbye Vickie B. - See you next year. Shust - It's official.  It is already impossible for Tavon Austin to be of less value than Vick Ballard, so you are the recipient of the Al Davis Award. 

Welcome to the club. 

Update on the
"I see way more P**** than you guys" Award

The award, if you recall, is for the team that gets the biggest impact from FA pickups. The name is in honor of my wife, who is an OBGYN and does in fact see way more p**** than us, and who also excels in free agency. I am going to call it the P**** award for short, until Jen shoots me down. I am going to track free agent pickups (not waivers) and also starts. Only free agent pickups who start will count towards your total. Currently, the leader for the P**** award is One Beer Weidners - with 12 points from Washington Defense. Pat and I both left FA points on the bench from Joquie Bell and Julius Thomas, respectively. I can host the spreadsheet on Google Drive, once it gets more interesting. 


whatever you do, don't stare at my elbows...

At least the Jaguars Cheerleaders are still trying...


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Gameday - Week 1

09:42 - This weeks blog is limited to an hour for development time because there are only so many hours in the day and I am a very busy, very important person. The blog this week is just going to be matchup analysis and predictions based entirely on my imagination and opinions. Don't hold it against me.

so excited.

Week 1 Matchups

Gatorade me bitch! vs. Glenside Grannies

League Champion Gatorade is taking on the Grannies, last seasons 9th  place finisher, and this years sole autodrafter. Turns out that Yahoo was not cruel to Nate with his autodraft, leaving him a fairly solid team. Currently he is still relying on Matthew Stafford, and while things are looking up with Reggie Bush there, they are still the Lions. Gatorade has a scary solid team with big point potential at every position. 

Prediction: I am taking Glenside Grannies for the upset. Josh will be struck with under-performances from Jimmy Graham, Jamaal Charles, and even a late Monday surge from LeSean will not be enough. Big points from Pierre Garcon will help Glenside take the close win. 

Gatorade 133 - 138 Glenside

SackedBySuggs vs. The Golden Showers

Two powerhouses from last year are duking it out in a week 1 in what could be a pivotal game for both their seasons. No pressure. Both had solid drafts, but have some interesting situations to deal with in their lineups. Suggs is starting Cecil Shorts, who plays for Jacksonville and is not named MJD, and Golden Showers is playing three Dallas Cowboys, defying traditional fantasy football knowledge. 

Prediction: I want to pick Matt to win, but the Cowboys are going to screw him over. Suggs takes the victory, but will have to make big decisions next week after poor showings from Lamar Miller and Shorts. 

Suggs 155 - 140 Golden Showers

BigMcLargeHuge vs. Mustache w/ Titties

The Yahoo draft grade consensus weaklings match up in week 1 in the Battle of the C-. BigMcLarge has a strong core, but a potentially steep drop off in depth, while Mustache really looks to struggle this season. 

Prediction: BigMcLargeHuge with a big win. Tom Brady always lights people up week 1, and Megatron is Megatron. 

Big 141 - 119 Mustache

One Beer Weidners vs. Farley's Fiddlers

I think, barring any miracles, that this game is already over. I think it's pretty much impossible to overcome a 60 point by one player performance. 

Prediction: Farley holds on to win despite big games from AP and Rodgers. Bonus prediction - I leave 100 points on the bench. 

Weidners 142 -  150 Fiddler's 

Hey! Buddy! vs. Initials

This is a tough one to predict. The Ravens-Broncos game was cruel and kind to Buddy, with an easy TD for Thomas, but a lost Defensive TD due to supreme idiocy. I think in the end, the battle will come down to the quarterbacks, and I think the advantage will go to Paul. Kaepernick is too good. I think as the season goes on, he will slow down, but he will blow up this week. 

Prediction: Riding on Kaepernick and the fact that Newton has no one besides steve smith, still, to throw to, Paul will put up big points as the weeks leading scorer. 

Buddy 142 - 168 Initials

Ten things to watch for this week

1. Andy Reid in a "Chiefs Red" jumpsuit with utility belt

so red. 

2. Rookie QBs across the league getting obliterated
3. The collective sigh of realization of the entire NFL when they realize that last year's rookie QBs were a fluke
4. Michael Vick's career-ending injury
5. Drew Brees selling Wranglers
so manly. 

6. Ray Lewis behind the desk
7.  The Saints hype machine going crazy after a big win over ATL
8 . Bengals taking their first step towards mediocrity after losing to the Bears
9. Michigan products outperforming ND products across the NFL
10. A monumental drop in my productivity for the next 5 months. 


Monday, September 2, 2013

Congrats BigMcLargeHuge

Looks like Travis finally caught something bigger than little bits of corn
or Murray the Chihuahua in his giant, aggressive red beard...

Congrats buddy. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

RIP Live Draft Blog and Draft Grades

I had to lay the live blog to rest. And with it, the draft grades. I will provide the following justifications, which none of you will likely read:


The live blog was really fun for me the first two seasons. Let's take stock of where my life was at both points.

August 2011 - I am a newly married man, just returned from nearly a month in Hawaii. Our league is brand new, and I am more excited about this than just about anything else, save my new marriage, and potentially moving out of my mother-in-law's house. I am gearing up for a final push on the PhD, but I am still in a post-wedding lull. What was the best way to fill that lull? Mock drafts and research. And so I did. Come draft day, I was so ready I could have been composing a symphony while drafting. I may have been over-prepared, take sleepers 2-3 years too early (see leonard hankerson).

Jump to August 2012 - Just moved into a new house and started a new job, but work is slow. Hitting 40 hours of billable work a week was nearly impossible. House projects were moving but slowly. But Jen was just starting her intern year of residency, and I think I saw her when she was conscious for about 4 hours a week. This afforded me free time to occupy with preparing jokes and assorted material, practicing constructing google searches to rapidly identify pictures to be included in the blog, and again to prepare my team. There was a serious decline in quality already apparent between 2011 and 2012...

August 2013 - As my draft indicates, I was not ready this year. I jumped on an 8th round (at best) WR in the 5th, and I have no #1 fantasy WRs at all. I also picked a defense who is playing multiple players on my roster in week 1. Sigh.

Now let's extrapolate that out to include the side effects of trying to keep up with a live blog. Here is how my draft would have gone.

1. AP
2. Larry Johnson
3. Joe Flacco
4. Andy Reid
5. Leonard Hankerson
6. RG3
7. Leonard Hankerson
8. Missed entirely
9. David Akers
10. Tears...

For the good of the league, I skipped the blog. The downside is that we don't have all the magical moments captured for posterity. I would love to say that I would remember them, but I was way too drunk. They don't call me One Beer Weidner for nothing...


Now regarding Draft Grades, I was called out last year for making draft grades and then grading the draft grades midseason. This was identified by a league member as the source of my unfortunate luck and eventual failure. Well I am not a believer in much, but I do believe in Voodoo, jinxes, curses, and the Fantasy Football Gods, and if something like that was vocalized, I have to believe it is true. So I am not going to do grades.

I will however comment on the grades provided by Yahoo. If you did not see these they are located on the draft page on the right hand side. Our grades ranged from B+ to C-. What does this really mean? Well to me it means that they scale by which Yahoo assigns grades is referenced to some global standard that we are not privy to. I imagine that this standard is the world's greatest fantasy football team, comprised of #1 and #2 ranked players at each fantasy position only. On the other end, if you get a failing draft grade then you must have drafted the Cleveland Browns.

The global reference makes little sense. Or maybe letter grades don't make sense. It is just that we are stuck in the letter grade mindset that has been forged over numerous years but really means nothing. If Yahoo had said a 100 is the ultimate mega team, and a 0 is the Cleveland Browns, and we all got in the 70-80 range, that makes sense to me. It's a competitive league and we all draft fairly well. So that is my draft assessment.

According to Yahoo, we are ranked as follows in terms of our quality of Draft:

1. Josh
2. Matt
3. Nate
4. Jeff
5. Chris
6. Pat
7. Paul
8. John P.
9. Travis
10. John S.

Yahoo does provide a strength of schedule discussion in their assessment. Guess who has the easiest schedule? Josh. Wtf.

The Al Davis Award

While I made a solid case with Torrey Smith in the 3rd and Tavon Austin in the 5th, I am going to say that the worst pick was Vick Ballard as a keeper, by Shooostie. Yahoo ranks that as his 4th RB.I guess if you have to keep someone only to meet league rules, it might as well be a low-ranked guy, but I think you had better keepers. I think that is why he ended up so low in Yahoo ranks. It makes me feel good that he has the projected least prolific group of WRs in the league as well, because I was pretty sure that was me too.


Jen, before retirement, was a Fantasy Champion. She left for her residency on top, taking home the top prize in an estrogen fueled cat fight of a league. Jen built her fantasy career on savvy waiver and free agent moves, never really putting any stock in trades. Therefore, the award will go to the team that gets the biggest impact from Free Agent pickups. Yes this will be a massive pain in the ass for me to calculate, but what can you do. Debating on whether it is weekly, monthly, or total season.

As for names, it turns out that she is not so great at making them up. So, we have a few options...
  1. The "I'm Better at This too" Award - named for her championship team
  2. One Woman's Trash is Every Man's Treasure - because her free agent castoffs are better than your pickups
  3. The "I see way more ***** than you guys" Award - she will not like this one
  4. The Soup Group Award - my personal favorite, relating to the League and the guy who belongs to a group who forage for ingredients to make soup


For the first time in two years, I do not have to talk about Dues in the blog. thanks.


I am currently investigating the feasibility of using the our some of our trophy excess money (perhaps a front on next years dues) to get the trophy plated or chromed. I will get an idea on cost first, but I think that the Old Bear might benefit from a little nip/tuck action. In subsequent years, we can discuss expanding the base up a bit.


  1. New dads (Shust and Josh)
  2. New houses (Nater and maybe Travis)
  3. New jobs (Matty cakes)
  4. New ladies (LOOKING AT YOU MATT)
  5. New dogs (Nate)
  6. Successful seasons in real football (Chris and Me)
  7. Mediocre seasons in real football (All you Eagles fans and probably Paul - sorry bro)
  8. A New Champion - See last blog from last season 
  9. Team Name Assessment circa 2011 - coming soon
  10. GIFs


Top Ten Reasons I need to be Sober While Drafting

  1. The smell...
  2. My 3rd pick - which I nearly missed and totally panicked on
  3. Passing out on Pat's couch 17 seconds post-draft
  4. Trying to stay awake as to not get sharpied
  5. Smoking Arturo Fuente Cigars
  6. The taste in my mouth that resulted from Arturo Fuente Cigars
  7. Many things I likely said but do not remember
  8. Tavon Austin
  9. Admitting a sleeper pick was pulled right from Christopher Harris' article cause he answered me on Twitter once (see below)

And a special thank you to Shust for making me deposit this at my bank...

(Don't worry I cropped out account info, took a screenshot, then redacted your address and then took another screenshot, so it's a picture within a picture within a picture...but we need to go deeper)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

UCFAC - Updated League Rules

This debacle of trading draft picks has challenged me to question everything about my life. 200+ emails and no progress is simply astounding. We are like the 112th Congress of fantasy leagues. Yesterday, I broke. I agreed to something because I was simply sick of hearing about it. This is going to cost me my hug from Pat, but what can you do?

I have spent more time than one might think ruminating on this issue. While I do not want to avoid any opportunities to make the league more interesting, I also do not want to make it unfair to anyone else. The reality is that if we were able to do an offline draft when we were all together, which was my plan, then we could do a lot more. But we are going to have people who are not around, people in Tennessee, Maine, and a far off place known as New Jersey. Some may be, by lack of other options, autodrafting. Making this fair to them is not as easy as it may seem. And that does not even include what I consider to be a fundamentally flawed trading concept that has been proposed.

Let's look at a simple scenario.

Team A trades Team B a first round keeper for a first round pick. Team A is stacked with late keepers, like my team (Newton, Green and Spiller all in 10th or later, plus Aaron Rodgers). Now Team B has a keeper in the first round, and no pick. I have no issue here. But Team A has two first round picks and drops a 16th, plus the three late round keepers. If they now can only keep two players, then that is fine. But the request is that they get to still keep three keepers. Now they have traded a player they were likely not going to keep, and received a substantial bump in value that they would not have otherwise had. This is where I have a problem. The benefit for Team A is much larger than Team B, and exponentially larger than any other teams in the league. This unduly penalizes people who do not have the time, or are simply unable to work out a trade before the draft. It also penalizes teams without depth beyond their three keepers.

The strength of a roster one year should not enable that person to get extra picks (i.e., extra strength) by sacrificing players who are not even of value to that team, to the detriment of the rest of the league. With that model, the strong teams (teams with 4+ viable keepers) would keep getting stronger while the rest of the league sells their picks to get better keepers, futilely trying to catch up. The consensus was that there is no value to trading a pick if you have to give up a keeper, and I do not think it is fair the other way.

For next season, there is a setting in Yahoo that I activated that will allow one to trade next years draft picks during the season. I like this because your whole roster is available and on the market, and you are making decisions about players independent of keepers. The system will track the picks for us, and you will still get your three keepers. This is obviously very similar to the situation we are in now, except that you are trading players when they have value to you. If you were to trade now (pre-draft), you have nothing to lose. This is not an environment that is conducive to fair play.

So, to clarify, we will NOT be trading picks prior to the draft. At all. We can trade players. If you have two great keeper QBS, or two great keepers in the same round, feel free to trade them. This makes sense. But we will not be trading picks. Sorry if you wasted time lining things up.

Speaking of which, I would like to trade Aaron Rodgers for a top 3 RB not named Ray Rice...

In addition, I am changing the makeup of the league somewhat. Up until now, I tried, often unsuccessfully, to vote on issues that affect the league as a whole. This is no longer the case. From here out, I will make the decisions. If I change something you do not like, speak to me and we can discuss. If I still do not do what you want, then you can move to replace me and if you get consensus from the league then you are all set to start running the show. I will turn over the keys to the Yahoo commish tools. I will of course look for buy-in from everyone from time to time, but I am not going to ask for any more votes. In the end this is supposed to be fun, and recently it has been anything but.

So without further ado, here are the league rules, amended based on the original rules to reflect this change in style. Amendments are in red. Of particular importance this season is #12 - related to trading players during the season that we have had since day 1.


1. Each owner has the option of keeping up to three players, but must keep at least two players. 

2. Only two players at a given position may be kept by an owner. 

3. Only one of the three kept players can come from rounds 1,2 or 3 of the previous year.

4. The owner sacrifices the draft pick of the kept player in the following years draft

5. If the kept player is taken from free agency then the owner sacrifices their 10th round pick. 

6. If two kept players are taken from free agency, then the owner sacrifices the 10th and 11th round picks and so on. 

7. If a kept player comes from free agency and the 10th round pick is also kept, then the 11th round pick is sacrificed, and so on. 

8. If a kept player comes from waivers, then the owner sacrifices the pick in the round in which the player was drafted. For clarity on waiver rules, see the prior post from the beginning of last season. 

9. A player may be kept by a single owner for a maximum of three seasons (the original drafted season, and two "kept" seasons).

10. Up to the three year limit under a single owner, the owner sacrifices the pick corresponding to the players original drafted round.

11. If a player is traded before the three year limit, the original pick sacrifice is traded with him.

12. If a player is traded at the end of the three year limit, then the new owner sacrifices the pick corresponding to the players preseason ranking for a standard PPR scoring format according to Yahoo! Sports. 

13. No trades for draft picks are allowed during preseason. Draft picks may be traded during the season.

14. Keeper selections are due 1 days prior to next years draft. 

15. After the initial four day evaluation window, these rules can only be changed with a majority vote of the league (6+ votes)

16. Trade decisions will be made by the commissioner. If anyone would like to dispute a trade decision they may get a majority consensus from the league and overrule.

17. Any rule-related decisions will be made by the commissioner. Votes will no be solicited. If anyone does not agree with a rule, they can nominate themselves or someone else to take over as commissioner and can be replace the commissioner with a majority consensus from the league. 

18. League dues must be to me before the draft. Paypal works. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

And the Bracket Winner is...


Seriously? That's the best you guys could do? Weak. 

Yes I am aware that the Dance itself is not over yet, but I am 99% sure that it is a mathematical impossibility for anyone to beat Jen considering that no one picked Lucy Pinder to win.

Congrats to Jen, and feel free to start thinking of your permanent legacy award in UCFAC Fantasy Football League. 

I know I promised many more blogs, but alas, life gets in the way. I will say that the online voting really changed the game. There were very few really close matchups, and I would wager substantially less upsets. If I had time, I would go back and compare, but the four top seeds according to their ridiculous rankings were in the finals.

The final goes down Monday if you are still interested...

Kate Upton


Lucy Pinder

Sidebar for future years: I have deemed it illegal to submit a bracket under your significant others name.  You know who you are, and you have been warned.

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Dance

So for those who don't know, from August until January this is the home of the University City Fantasy Athletic Club (UCFAC) Fantasy League blog (feel free to peruse the old entries, and join the waiting list for the league if you like - just send me your fantasy football resume).

However, in the offseason, the blog becomes a desolate, barren wasteland of emptiness.

Until now. 

I am sure all the pictures associated with this won't bring my blog any extra traffic at all. None. 

This year, the Dance is changing, and we must change with it. Online voting, dodgy scouting reports, and some suspect initial matchups were thrown into the mix. I am simply aiming to append the entire process with unsolicited and most likely never-ever-to-be-viewed commentary.

First order of business - your brackets.

In past years, it have always been a drawback that you cannot see anyone else's brackets. The obvious reason is that it greatly reduces ones capacity to trash talk others for moronic picks (of which there are many). So without further ado, I give to you the LEAGUE BRACKETS.

I would like to award Gold Stars to the following people for sending me their brackets, appropriately named, and without sarcasm or unneeded commentary on my rules:

  • Erin 
  • Brian 
  • Kim 
  • Susan 
  • Jen 
Negative gold star awarded to Ehsan for sending me the email that the KJRAM sent him, and not a PDF of his actual bracket (Update: this has been rectified)

Negative gold star to me for forgetting to get Nate's bracket off my work computer. Nate - send it again, or it'll have to wait until next week.  We all know Adriana "DogFace" Lima is your winner. (Historical context for the new people - Nate used to be a big fan of Adriana Lima despite the fact that she TANKED every year in the dance, earning her the moniker "DogFace")

Figure 1: Took a while to find a picture where she didn't look fantastic - check the unaltered filename on this one. 

Once I get the full collection of brackets, I will put my PhD to good use and do some statistical analysis. Maybe if I get adventurous I will calculate everyone's likelihood of winning at the end of each major round. 

As evident from Figure 2, the overwhelming favorite is SI Swimsuit cover model Kate Upton (Figure 3) with 8 of us selecting her to win the whole thing. Last year, she finished second to Lucy Pinder, who was not picked by anyone ironically. 

Figure 2: Predicted Winners

Figure 3: Kate Upton 

In a distant second, the crowd favorite is Mila Kunis, seen below in Figure 4. Personally, I don't see it, but it's about what the masses will vote for, not the individual. 

Figure 4: Mila Kunis
Josh is apparently much better at Fantasy Football than picking out which woman is more attractive according to people who generally live in the Seattle area, listen to AM radio and have time to vote on the internet. His winner, Holly Sonders, is long gone - losing the very first matchup. This is a previously unprecedented level of poor performance that really cannot be topped. 

Matt - apparently still stuck in 2007 - selected Alessandra Ambrosia. I think she has a chance this year buddy. She just needs to market herself as vintage. Theme song - Thrift Shop by Mackelmore. 

Figure 5: I'm gonna pop some tags, only got 20 Brazilian real in my overalls...

One brave soul, newcomer Drew, fresh off his win in the actual Big Dance bracket competition, selected Jennifer Lawrence of Hunger Games and Silver Linings Playbook fame. I like this pick a lot. I feel like she has a good shot of being an upset win. That being said, he could become the first person in Dance history to pick the winner and lose the office pool...rough first couple rounds. 

Future blog topics will potentially include:
  • Couples Analysis: The couple that picks hot chicks together, stays together...
  • Full bracket breakdowns
  • History of the Dance 101: Examples include...
    • Allison Stokke
    • The Power of Jessica
    • Good Morning Barb
    • First year curse
  • A critique of the meta-data, data flows, data fusion, user interface/experience, ConOps and the lack of a query-based data archival system (aka the shitty scouting website)

I know that I tend to be the only person who knows everyone else in the pool, but that doesn't mean you cannot heckle one another. 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

On her way...

Leaving the korean trophy place on Tuesday...

UCFAC Season Wrap-up and League New Year's Resolutions

Ron Swanson reigns victorious. Barf. 

Welcome me to your bed, Josh. Don't be coy you saucy minx you...

Congratulations are in order. The Iron Lady has chosen her mate for the next year. In case you missed it, Josh took first place again in a hard fought, but clear victory over Buffalo Renaissance. Paul put up an impressive score total, but Josh scored his largest total of the season. So congrats Josh. We are all so happy for you. Really.

This season, the mark of the champion was eeking out the close games against his true competition. Josh's final record was 11-2-1, and the two losses came against CunningLinguists and Vinegar Strokes, who finished 9/10 respectively. Despite this susceptibility to the trap game, he won some tight matchups. His two wins over me were 4 pt victories, he had a 2 pt victory over SackedBySuggs, a 4 pt win over Brady's Bunch, and a ridiculously low-scoring tie against Arian Brotherhood. So let the record show that if there 15 more points here or there, Josh's record becomes 8-6 and he is fighting to get into the playoffs. Just saying...

What's that? Sour grapes? Sore Loser? Jeff -Do you mean you aren't really happy for Josh?

Josh - See note at bottom.

 Now on to the central thesis of this blog post...


I have heard people say that the Andre Johnson trade really pushed Josh's team to a new level, the implication being that it was an unfair trade. At the time, there was no cause for me, as commissioner to over-rule this trade. Did I think it was a smart trade for Travis? Not really. But it is his team to do with as he wishes, assuming the league agrees. If you saw that trade and thought it was a bad idea, shoot Travis an email and tell him, not me. Rally the league up and get it vetoed. Offer a better counter deal. Steal my laptop. Crash the internet globally and prevent the trade from going through. Do something. DO ANYTHING.

Is it a coincidence that the two last place teams had only six waiver moves? I think probably not. Do you need to make 43 moves like Josh? No. I mean you should have a life. But for the love of God, get pissed off. Make it a goal next season to NOT let him touch the Iron Lady again. Everytime you play him, make this speech...

...I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.

Talk some shit. Rub peoples noses in every loss. Make side bets. Make more work for me. Complain. Just make it fucking interesting.

This really happened. 

Fantasy football is such a fantastic thing. It adds a new dimension to the greatest American sport in existence. It gives us a reason to watch the Browns play the Cardinals when there is nothing else to do.  It is a billion dollar industry. But why? It's not that people only like the opportunity to win some money. We don't sign up because we love reading about stats. We don't WANT to watch the Browns play the Cardinals (Who would?).

The reason we love Fantasy Football is the people, the interaction. FF connects people across distance, culture, race, age and gender. It is an opportunity for GREATNESS for the common man. Not the greatness we assign to a man like Abraham Lincoln, but a relative greatness amongst friends and equals. Relative greatness is all we can attain in this league, but it is our responsibility both as individuals and as a league to elevate that relative greatness to such epic proportions that we all want it more than we want anything else.

Our league is teetering on the precipice of banality, and we need to make sure it doesn't slip into the abyss and become a burden and not a fun time sink. Maybe all this bitching annoys you. Maybe you think I am being a whiny baby. If so, make a comment below. Suggest alternatives. Tell me off. Make fun of me for being a loser. Physically punch me in the face...just make it interesting.

A New Year, A New League. 

In that spirit, I am going to propose some New Year's Resolutions for UCFAC.

1. Be honest about your participation the league. If you think at any point next season that the league will be a burden and you won't want to participate then say so now/soon and I will accept nominations for a replacement from the rest of the league. There will be no hard feelings. Not hard like that, Shust. Get your mind out of the gutter.  We all understand that life happens and we get busy. That being said, I am just saying this so it is out there and I would be totally shocked if any of you smackers wanted out.

2. Pay your dues before the draft.  I am not going to chase people around next year. We are all responsible adults who have enough money to pay for this league. If you do not pay before the draft, you will LOSE YOUR FIRST DRAFT PICK. (smacks table with gavel....LAW!!!)

3. DRAFT PARTY  Half of us do not even know each other. Let's pick a time soon in mid-August and schedule the Draft for a Saturday. Let's all meet up. For some of us, this is a long trip, but I am confident with enough notice we can all get together. I believe this is crucial for our league. We need to draft then we need to drink and hang out. Its about the people. You all need to see the Iron Lady, to gently caress her handles, to feel the cool smoothness of her marble base. This is a tradition that we need to start and continue every year.

4. Make your mark on the league. If you have an idea, officially propose the idea to me or to the entire league and ask that a vote be taken. Obviously, if someone else proposes something, take the time to think it over and vote. So far this season, suggestions for lesser prizes for First loser and Second Loser have been suggested, and this will be voted on before next season. Also, allowing trading of draft positions has been suggested and will be voted on soon.

5. Taking everything personally.  Josh did not just beat Paul for the victory. He beat us all. Repeatedly, over and over again, until we wept and bled.

Get even. 

No Joshes were harmed in the making of this blog post. 

Personal note to Josh: Remember in The Dark Knight, when Batman realizes that in order to save Gotham he has to take the blame for Harvey Dent's murder rampage, hence making him the Dark Knight? That was a really honorable thing for him to do...