Ron Swanson reigns victorious. Barf.
Welcome me to your bed, Josh. Don't be coy you saucy minx you...
Congratulations are in order. The Iron Lady has chosen her mate for the next year. In case you missed it, Josh took first place again in a hard fought, but clear victory over Buffalo Renaissance. Paul put up an impressive score total, but Josh scored his largest total of the season. So congrats Josh. We are all so happy for you. Really.
This season, the mark of the champion was eeking out the close games against his true competition. Josh's final record was 11-2-1, and the two losses came against CunningLinguists and Vinegar Strokes, who finished 9/10 respectively. Despite this susceptibility to the trap game, he won some tight matchups. His two wins over me were 4 pt victories, he had a 2 pt victory over SackedBySuggs, a 4 pt win over Brady's Bunch, and a ridiculously low-scoring tie against Arian Brotherhood. So let the record show that if there 15 more points here or there, Josh's record becomes 8-6 and he is fighting to get into the playoffs. Just saying...
What's that? Sour grapes? Sore Loser? Jeff -Do you mean you aren't really happy for Josh?
Josh - See note at bottom.
Now on to the central thesis of this blog post...
YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I AM SORE LOSER. IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH THAT HE WON AGAIN. FINISHING SIXTH MAKES ME WANT TO SMASH MY FACE INTO EVERY MIRROR I SEE, AND IN MY HOUSE THAT CAN BE FATAL. IF ANY OF YOU TAKE LOSING OUR LEAGUE TO JOSH TWO YEARS IN A ROW LYING DOWN, I AM GOING TO THROW YOU OUT OF THIS LEAGUE. THIS IS A TRAVESTY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS, AND IT HAS TO STOP.
I have heard people say that the Andre Johnson trade really pushed Josh's team to a new level, the implication being that it was an unfair trade. At the time, there was no cause for me, as commissioner to over-rule this trade. Did I think it was a smart trade for Travis? Not really. But it is his team to do with as he wishes, assuming the league agrees. If you saw that trade and thought it was a bad idea, shoot Travis an email and tell him, not me. Rally the league up and get it vetoed. Offer a better counter deal. Steal my laptop. Crash the internet globally and prevent the trade from going through. Do something. DO ANYTHING.
Is it a coincidence that the two last place teams had only six waiver moves? I think probably not. Do you need to make 43 moves like Josh? No. I mean you should have a life. But for the love of God, get pissed off. Make it a goal next season to NOT let him touch the Iron Lady again. Everytime you play him, make this speech...
...I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.
Talk some shit. Rub peoples noses in every loss. Make side bets. Make more work for me. Complain. Just make it fucking interesting.
This really happened.
Fantasy football is such a fantastic thing. It adds a new dimension to the greatest American sport in existence. It gives us a reason to watch the Browns play the Cardinals when there is nothing else to do. It is a billion dollar industry. But why? It's not that people only like the opportunity to win some money. We don't sign up because we love reading about stats. We don't WANT to watch the Browns play the Cardinals (Who would?).
The reason we love Fantasy Football is the people, the interaction. FF connects people across distance, culture, race, age and gender. It is an opportunity for GREATNESS for the common man. Not the greatness we assign to a man like Abraham Lincoln, but a relative greatness amongst friends and equals. Relative greatness is all we can attain in this league, but it is our responsibility both as individuals and as a league to elevate that relative greatness to such epic proportions that we all want it more than we want anything else.
Our league is teetering on the precipice of banality, and we need to make sure it doesn't slip into the abyss and become a burden and not a fun time sink. Maybe all this bitching annoys you. Maybe you think I am being a whiny baby. If so, make a comment below. Suggest alternatives. Tell me off. Make fun of me for being a loser. Physically punch me in the face...just make it interesting.
A New Year, A New League.
In that spirit, I am going to propose some New Year's Resolutions for UCFAC.
1. Be honest about your participation the league. If you think at any point next season that the league will be a burden and you won't want to participate then say so now/soon and I will accept nominations for a replacement from the rest of the league. There will be no hard feelings. Not hard like that, Shust. Get your mind out of the gutter. We all understand that life happens and we get busy. That being said, I am just saying this so it is out there and I would be totally shocked if any of you smackers wanted out.
2. Pay your dues before the draft. I am not going to chase people around next year. We are all responsible adults who have enough money to pay for this league. If you do not pay before the draft, you will LOSE YOUR FIRST DRAFT PICK. (smacks table with gavel....LAW!!!)
3. DRAFT PARTY Half of us do not even know each other. Let's pick a time soon in mid-August and schedule the Draft for a Saturday. Let's all meet up. For some of us, this is a long trip, but I am confident with enough notice we can all get together. I believe this is crucial for our league. We need to draft then we need to drink and hang out. Its about the people. You all need to see the Iron Lady, to gently caress her handles, to feel the cool smoothness of her marble base. This is a tradition that we need to start and continue every year.
4. Make your mark on the league. If you have an idea, officially propose the idea to me or to the entire league and ask that a vote be taken. Obviously, if someone else proposes something, take the time to think it over and vote. So far this season, suggestions for lesser prizes for First loser and Second Loser have been suggested, and this will be voted on before next season. Also, allowing trading of draft positions has been suggested and will be voted on soon.
5. Taking everything personally. Josh did not just beat Paul for the victory. He beat us all. Repeatedly, over and over again, until we wept and bled.
No Joshes were harmed in the making of this blog post.
Personal note to Josh: Remember in The Dark Knight, when Batman realizes that in order to save Gotham he has to take the blame for Harvey Dent's murder rampage, hence making him the Dark Knight? That was a really honorable thing for him to do...